


Holding onto Forever

by Fudanshi (domosiny)



Category: Death Note
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-06
Updated: 2011-11-06
Packaged: 2017-10-25 17:40:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 34,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/273005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/domosiny/pseuds/Fudanshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matt has had his last fight with Mello and finds comfort in Near. The two of them will never be the same from that point. My first fanfic. Plenty of Yaoi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Foreword: This my first fanfic that I wrote years ago that I just imported from fanfic.net. Lots of people tell me that it's  
> my best work and I think I agree. Please enjoy and let  
> me know what you think!

Holding onto Forever.

Chapter 1:

Near

It was a typical June day at Wammy's House, the orphanage that I called home for so many years. I could barely remember life before it. Bits and pieces of course but I hardly knew who I was beforehand. This was all I knew. Goals, performance, work. We were destined to be great. One of us is destined to be the greatest. His name is L, or at least this is what everyone knew him as. L is the very reason this place exists, and one of us is to fill his shoes should his untimely death occur. L's role in the world is far too important. While 99 of the population doesn't even know he exists, nearly every person in an industrialized society benefits from his work. We are his insurance policy, to ensure that his great work carries on.

In regards to academics, I'm considered #1. I'm not boasting. That's not really my concern. It's a position I hold dearly, but I don't make it an obsession. I just focus, do what is asked of me, and see the result. I'm all too often loathed as a result by many here. Needless to say I don't have many friends. None, actually now that I think about it. I rarely socialize unless it's for a group project or if someone asks for my help, which I'm always glad to do. I'm not hellbent on staying #1. It just works out that way. #2 however, seems to think otherwise.

His name is Mello, and he believes with every fiber of his being that it's my mission operandi to best him at everything possible. He is obsessed on beating me. His humongous ego fuels him to defeat me. I simply wont concede just to make him happy. I just carry on about my business and try to ignore him, which isn't all that easy. It's not easy for anyone to ignore him. He's feared by most here. Not that he's a bully, it's just that one is better off on his good side than his bad side. He has many friends but is close to no one. And on this June day, as I sat there in the common room floor, assembling a blank puzzle, one of my favorite mind exercises, I overheard a typical scenario unfold for me.

"I have better things to do than play games with you. You spend too much time on them anyway." Mello said sharply.

"C'mon man it'll only take a few minutes. I'm certain you can figure it out. You're the best." Matt, who could be loosely considered one of his closest friends, pleaded.

"No I'm not and you know that."

Mello replied coldly, quickly glaring in my direction and walked away without allowing Matt another word. That was the third fight I've witnessed between them in a week.

An sigh escaped from the boy with auburn hair. He wore an exasperated look. I knew this because I was watching. I shouldn't have been, I know that, but he's seen me watching before. Our eyes locked.

"Near. Are you busy right now?" He asked.

"Not particularly, Matt."

"I was wondering if you could help me out with something. I'm playing this new role playing game on the notebooks L got us earlier this year. I'm stuck, and I mean really stuck on this one part. There's lots of strategy involved and I cant get past no matter what angle I try. I've been at this one part for 7 days now. I'm losing my mind!".

"You know I don't play video games Matt."

"This isn't a typical video game. You'd be good at this. I know it. I'm certain Mello could do it too but he wont help me as I'm sure you heard. If he can do it than I'm sure..." he softened his voice to a whisper, "#1 could do it better."

"I suppose I can take a look Matt..."

"OH THANK YOU THANK YOU! Come to my room around 8pm if you can. Just... don't tell anyone, especially Mello." He shouted, and then quickly lowered his voice as not to draw any unneeded attention.

"Matt, you know I don't talk to anyone." I said.

"Of course, of course... I know you wont tell anyone. Thank...Thank you again Near. I'll see you later." He said as he danced out of the room excitedly.

I generally don't play video games, but this one sounded productive. Anything that exercises your mind to that degree must have some merit. Make no mistake, Matt is not stupid. He holds position #3 in our group, and that is something to be proud of, even if it's not the best. I honestly believe he could surpass both Mello and I in many areas if he focused more on his work. However that is not his way or the way his mind works. I believed his gifts will be realized in forms other than grades some day.

Later on that evening I went to his room as promised. It took me roughly 5 minutes to figure out what had him stuck for so long. I felt bad. I truly did. I didn't want to seem like a showoff, but Matt didn't interpret it that way to my surprise. He was in awe more than anything. I showed him what he was doing wrong, hoping that this would be a lesson he can use in the future. Strategy requires a certain mindset. I was fortunate in that regard.

Our conversation drifted a bit and I found Matt to be a rather pleasant person. I've never really talked to him much, as is the case with most people here, but he seemed easy to get along with. He seemed awfully curious about me though.

"You keep to yourself a lot Near. Sometimes it's difficult to know what you're thinking. Why is that?" He asked boldly.

I suppose that's the way most way most would describe me. I tend to not show emotion. Seems purposeless as it just gets in the way and clouds your judgment.

"Well, in case you haven't noticed Matt, I'm not very well liked around here. Some think I'm cold, but I don't mean it personally. It's just the way I am."

"I guess so but you never seem to have any fun. I see you playing with toys a lot, but you don't seem to actually enjoy doing it. It's as if you're programmed." He said.

"The toys help me physically manifest different scenarios that I think of. I guess you can say that's why I have a knack for strategy.".

"Bugger me! You need to have more fun, Near! There's more to life than work."

"..."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to criticize you. You did help me after all." He apologized

"It's ok, Matt. I know most people cant figure me out. Really it's ok."

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly taken back, but I didn't let him know that since it wasn't intentional.

"Well I was thinking, maybe we could hang out more. I could show you what I do for fun and see if you catch on. If you're bored you let me know." He offered.

 _He just isn't going to give up is he. It isn't very often someone takes interest in me, so I'm not going to refuse, even if I think it's futile._

"Find me after class tomorrow and we'll see what you have in store." I replied, punctuated with a dry smirk.

"I will. Thanks again Near. Really." He said genuinely.

"You're welcome." and with that I left to go back to my room. Part of me was actually looking forward to it. I suppose you could call it anxiousness? It was an odd feeling to me. I stuffed it back down inside of me, not wanting to get my hopes up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2:

Holding onto Forever.

Chapter 1:

Near

It was a typical June day at Wammy's House, the orphanage that I called home for so many years. I could barely remember life before it. Bits and pieces of course but I hardly knew who I was beforehand. This was all I knew. Goals, performance, work. We were destined to be great. One of us is destined to be the greatest. His name is L, or at least this is what everyone knew him as. L is the very reason this place exists, and one of us is to fill his shoes should his untimely death occur. L's role in the world is far too important. While 99 of the population doesn't even know he exists, nearly every person in an industrialized society benefits from his work. We are his insurance policy, to ensure that his great work carries on.

In regards to academics, I'm considered #1. I'm not boasting. That's not really my concern. It's a position I hold dearly, but I don't make it an obsession. I just focus, do what is asked of me, and see the result. I'm all too often loathed as a result by many here. Needless to say I don't have many friends. None, actually now that I think about it. I rarely socialize unless it's for a group project or if someone asks for my help, which I'm always glad to do. I'm not hellbent on staying #1. It just works out that way. #2 however, seems to think otherwise.

His name is Mello, and he believes with every fiber of his being that it's my mission operandi to best him at everything possible. He is obsessed on beating me. His humongous ego fuels him to defeat me. I simply wont concede just to make him happy. I just carry on about my business and try to ignore him, which isn't all that easy. It's not easy for anyone to ignore him. He's feared by most here. Not that he's a bully, it's just that one is better off on his good side than his bad side. He has many friends but is close to no one. And on this June day, as I sat there in the common room floor, assembling a blank puzzle, one of my favorite mind exercises, I overheard a typical scenario unfold for me.

"I have better things to do than play games with you. You spend too much time on them anyway." Mello said sharply.

"C'mon man it'll only take a few minutes. I'm certain you can figure it out. You're the best." Matt, who could be loosely considered one of his closest friends, pleaded.

"No I'm not and you know that."

Mello replied coldly, quickly glaring in my direction and walked away without allowing Matt another word. That was the third fight I've witnessed between them in a week.

An sigh escaped from the boy with auburn hair. He wore an exasperated look. I knew this because I was watching. I shouldn't have been, I know that, but he's seen me watching before. Our eyes locked.

"Near. Are you busy right now?" He asked.

"Not particularly, Matt."

"I was wondering if you could help me out with something. I'm playing this new role playing game on the notebooks L got us earlier this year. I'm stuck, and I mean really stuck on this one part. There's lots of strategy involved and I cant get past no matter what angle I try. I've been at this one part for 7 days now. I'm losing my mind!".

"You know I don't play video games Matt."

"This isn't a typical video game. You'd be good at this. I know it. I'm certain Mello could do it too but he wont help me as I'm sure you heard. If he can do it than I'm sure..." he softened his voice to a whisper, "#1 could do it better."

"I suppose I can take a look Matt..."

"OH THANK YOU THANK YOU! Come to my room around 8pm if you can. Just... don't tell anyone, especially Mello." He shouted, and then quickly lowered his voice as not to draw any unneeded attention.

"Matt, you know I don't talk to anyone." I said.

"Of course, of course... I know you wont tell anyone. Thank...Thank you again Near. I'll see you later." He said as he danced out of the room excitedly.

I generally don't play video games, but this one sounded productive. Anything that exercises your mind to that degree must have some merit. Make no mistake, Matt is not stupid. He holds position #3 in our group, and that is something to be proud of, even if it's not the best. I honestly believe he could surpass both Mello and I in many areas if he focused more on his work. However that is not his way or the way his mind works. I believed his gifts will be realized in forms other than grades some day.

Later on that evening I went to his room as promised. It took me roughly 5 minutes to figure out what had him stuck for so long. I felt bad. I truly did. I didn't want to seem like a showoff, but Matt didn't interpret it that way to my surprise. He was in awe more than anything. I showed him what he was doing wrong, hoping that this would be a lesson he can use in the future. Strategy requires a certain mindset. I was fortunate in that regard.

Our conversation drifted a bit and I found Matt to be a rather pleasant person. I've never really talked to him much, as is the case with most people here, but he seemed easy to get along with. He seemed awfully curious about me though.

"You keep to yourself a lot Near. Sometimes it's difficult to know what you're thinking. Why is that?" He asked boldly.

I suppose that's the way most way most would describe me. I tend to not show emotion. Seems purposeless as it just gets in the way and clouds your judgment.

"Well, in case you haven't noticed Matt, I'm not very well liked around here. Some think I'm cold, but I don't mean it personally. It's just the way I am."

"I guess so but you never seem to have any fun. I see you playing with toys a lot, but you don't seem to actually enjoy doing it. It's as if you're programmed." He said.

"The toys help me physically manifest different scenarios that I think of. I guess you can say that's why I have a knack for strategy.".

"Bugger me! You need to have more fun, Near! There's more to life than work."

"..."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to criticize you. You did help me after all." He apologized

"It's ok, Matt. I know most people cant figure me out. Really it's ok."

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly taken back, but I didn't let him know that since it wasn't intentional.

"Well I was thinking, maybe we could hang out more. I could show you what I do for fun and see if you catch on. If you're bored you let me know." He offered.

 _He just isn't going to give up is he. It isn't very often someone takes interest in me, so I'm not going to refuse, even if I think it's futile._

"Find me after class tomorrow and we'll see what you have in store." I replied, punctuated with a dry smirk.

"I will. Thanks again Near. Really." He said genuinely.

"You're welcome." and with that I left to go back to my room. Part of me was actually looking forward to it. I suppose you could call it anxiousness? It was an odd feeling to me. I stuffed it back down inside of me, not wanting to get my hopes up.


	3. Holding onto Forever Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3:

Chapter 3:

Near

I'm not sure what got into me that night. I'm not usually so reactive. For some reason, I found some sort of comfort with Matt near me. I'll be honest, some parts of that movie did actually frighten me to the core. I'm just not used to seeing things like that. However it's not like me to react so openly. It's as if some subconscious part of me wanted to be scared, or appear scared. I believe that's what Matt was going after, and maybe I wanted to please him somehow by giving him the reaction he wanted. I don't know what possessed me to grab a hold of his hand for nearly the entire movie, however he didn't seem to mind. I'm not much for physical contact, however this felt right to me. This caused me to think more about who I am and what I want physically from other people. It's always something I put on the back-burner, figuring I'd have to confront it one day. That day had come.

While I may appear to be an android on the outside, to say that I'm sexually inert would be incorrect. I can recall many times where I've felt sexually aroused. There were a number of times when seeing Mello coming out of the shower, with a towed draped around his waist got my attention, despite the fact that he's a self absorbed prat. Some of the other males around here have held my interest as well. I'd come to realize that they were all males.

I've just never really analysed myself this way. I think I was afraid to confront it. I believe I'm afraid of many things. More than I'd like to admit, in fact. I have very few fuzzy memories of my early childhood, and I'm sure it has a lot to do with the way I am today.

 _Spending some time with Matt may be therapeutic. I really could care less what others think of me, at least that's what I tell myself, but it might be in my own best interest to try some new things for a change. For some reason, as illogical as it sounds, I trust Matt. It's possible that I'm attracted to him, he is quite attractive afterall, but beyond that my gut instinct is telling me to go with him._

Over the course of the week and a half, Matt and I spent time together when we could. Final exams were coming up this week and much of our free time was spent studying. A few days before the exam I decided to check on Matt at the library to see how he was doing.

"I'm about 5 minutes from going back to my room and playing games, Near, I hate studying. I keep losing my concentration and I'm getting nowhere!" Matt said. He appeared desperate, exhausted, and frustrated. I sat down next to him.

"I'll help you." I said,

I was looking into his eyes, trying my hardest to let my sincerity reach through. It was the least I can do for him after all he has done for me.

"Thanks Near, but I have a feeling you'll end up hating me by the time this is done. I'm hopeless." He replied. I placed my hand on his knee, not even sure why I did it, but I just wanted to show him how much I care. He blushed slightly at the contact. I could feel my cheeks flush with color as well.

"Let me help."

Matt nodded and opened his book, showing me where he was having trouble. I went over everything with him, only having to snap him back to attention once. At some point Mello entered and sat on the other side of the room, directly facing us. Matt hadn't noticed and I certainly wasn't going to be the one to point it out, despite the fact that his eyes were boring holes into us. After a while, Mello got up and walked to our end of the room with a showy nonchalant stroll.

"You know Matt, If you think having Near help you study will help you surpass me, you're setting yourself up for disappointment." Mello said.

His amused voice was loud enough in this quiet library for everyone to take notice. After a necessary quick glance in my direction he walked out of the room.

I turned towards Matt, who was looking down at the ground, his face reading of defeat. I, however was genuinely angry. I wondered if it showed.

 _Why does Matt deal with the abuse Mello puts him through?_

"Near I think I should forget..." Matt said, closing the book I wasn't going to let things go that easily.

"We're going to put his money where his mouth is Matt. Now open the book." I said. My voice was firm, heated.

"I don't think I've ever seen you angry Near." Matt said with a hint of concern in his voice.

"It's not often that I get angry. But I cannot stand to see him treat you this way. He needs to be humbled." My face felt hot. I took a deep breath and re-gained my composure. Matt looked as if he were nervous. Whether or not it was the thought of defying Mello, or my strong reaction, I'm not sure.

"I...I don't think it's possible." Matt spoke quietly.

"Anything's possible. You've shown me that. I didn't think it was possible for me to open up to someone, to befriend someone. You so far have been a very good friend to me and I appreciate that. I want to help you."

"You've been a good friend to me too." He replied. His words were heartfelt. It had just occurred to me that social, outgoing Matt doesn't have much in the way of friends either.

We spent the rest of the evening studying. I made sure he understood everything at least as well as I did. I wasn't letting up until I felt confident. It was getting late so we decided to pack it up and go to sleep for the night.

"Hey, are you going on the London trip this weekend after finals?" He asked as we walked out of the library, though the large wooden oak doors. L had decided this year to fund a trip to London, a reward for our hard work. He can be very generous that way. It's not often we get out of the confines of Wammy's.

"I am now." I replied.

"That would be awesome!"

"Maybe, we can sit together on the bus. Perhaps we can even share a room." I replied. The idea of sharing a room with Matt excited me.

"That would be cool but the rooms are already assigned. I think I'm sharing with Mello."

"Oh?"

I felt the bottom drop out from underneath me. I felt very uneasy. I believe 'jealousy' would be the way to describe it.

"Yeah..." Matt said, looking down.

Not really much else to say about it, is there? We reached the corridor to where our rooms were, and said goodnight.

The next night we studied in my room. I figured there would be less distraction for Matt, either from Mello or otherwise. We laid back on my bed together as we studied, our elbows rubbing. His warm touch felt good to me. That following day were the final exams. The time passed quickly, for me anyway. I met Matt in the hall afterwards.

"How do you think you did?" I asked.

"I'm not sure, but I think I did well. It seemed to be easier than when I usually take tests, no doubt due to your help." He said, smiling in my direction.

"So what to do we do for the rest of the day?" I asked. Suddenly Mello came into view from the adjacent doorway.

"Matt, we need you on the field. You still remember how to play don't you? Mello called from the other side of the door. I hope the disappointment didn't show on my face, even though not much usually does show on me.

"I'm going to join them Near, I haven't played for a while. Why don't you watch?" Matt asked, still trying to include me in some way, which was at least thoughtful.

"I suppose I can watch for a little while."

We made our way outside. I sat on the steps while Matt joined the rest of the guys on the field. While sports aren't really my cup of tea, I decided to endure it for Matt's sake. It was a pleasant day out nonetheless. Warm, dry, and the sun was shining behind the building allowing me a shady spot on the stairs to sit. It seemed to me that Matt is a pretty decent athlete, however as usual he tends to get distracted from time to time. Mello of course wouldn't let one slip by.

"Maybe we should put your new friend in your place if all you're going to do is daydream. Near probably could pull off a better goal anyway". Mello shouted in Matt's direction, aiding to the laughter of some of the other guys. I think it only added to Matt's distraction.

A loud "thwunk!" was heard as someone from the other team kicked the ball in Matt's direction. Matt was alone in that part of the field with Mello being on the far left of him. Matt, probably replaying Mello's last taunt in his mind didn't seem to notice quickly enough. As the ball hurtled through the air, Mello didn't waste any time and charged in Matt's direction. Halfway there Mello fell to the ground as his ankle twisted and screamed in pain.

"Ahhhh! Fuck! It Hurts!" Mello cried, holding his foot. Matt ran over to him and crouched lower, not sure how to help, "You fucking idiot! This is your fucking fault. If you weren't on another planet I wouldn't have had to...Aahh!.. run after the ball!"

"I'm... I'm sorry Mello... I'm sorry!" Matt pleaded.

"Fuck off away from me!" Mello shouted as some of the other players picked him up off the ground, glaring coldly at Matt as they passed.

Matt walked solemnly off of the field. I rose to my feet as he reached the stairs. I wanted to console him but I wasn't sure how, or if it was appropriate at the moment. He walked right past me, a sorrowful look in his eyes. He truly felt terrible, even after the cruel things Mello said to him. I walked in after him, sure to keep my distance. I felt it best to leave him alone for a while, even though it took all the restraint I had.

Later that night I knocked on Matt's door to check how he was doing.

"Mello's got a badly sprained ankle. He'll be off his feet for a week, the nurse said." He stated sorrowfully.

"It was an accident Matt. I can see you're blaming yourself for something you didn't do." I said, carefully putting my hand on his shoulder awkwardly.

"I should've been paying more attention. He's right." Matt said.

"And because he was too stubborn to just let the ball go, he nearly killed himself trying to do something that couldn't be done. He would have never made it in time even if he didn't twist his ankle."

"Now he wont be able to go to London tomorrow."

"That's unfortunate," I wondered if I sounded more apathetic than usual. I may have even sounded slightly sarcastic. While I wouldn't wish injury on anyone, to hear that Mello wont be in the way was a relief. "Perhaps Roger can assign me to your room."

I thought I saw a glint in Matt's eye when I had said that. But he was probably too careful to seem happy at Mello's expense.

"I think I'd like that. I don't want to be alone."

"I'll go talk to Roger now, and then I'll pack my things for tomorrow morning." I said, and with that I left his room and went to find Roger in his office. Fortunately I made it there in time before he turned in for the night.

"I'm quite pleased to see you friendly with one of the other students, Near. Matt is a nice young man who also was in need of good friendship." Roger said, looking up from his papers for a second, over the rims of his small round glasses.

"Yes, it's surprising we never talked much before. I enjoy his company." I replied. For some reason at this point talking about Matt to someone else made me nervous. This is an unexpected reaction, one that I wouldn't have when talking about anyone else. "So Roger, can you change the assignments?"

"Yes, I believe I can Near. It's unfortunate Mello wont be able to to, but if Matt is as remorseful as you say he is he shouldn't have to spend that time alone."

"Thank you Roger. I'm certain Matt will appreciate it. Good night." I said.

"Good night Near." Roger said.

I couldn't leave the room fast enough. Some uncontrollable feeling of delight was forcing me to smile widely. I'm sure if someone were to see me in this state while wandering the halls, they'd think I'd finally gone mad.

I returned to my room and took my overnight bag from the closet. I didn't have to pack much, as my wardrobe was relatively simple. Impulsively I stuffed a few toys into the bag, despite the fact that I'd likely not find time for them. It was about half past eleven when I decided to shower, and then climb into bed. I had a lot of difficulty sleeping that night. I couldn't get Matt out of my mind, and the more I thought of him, the more anxiety I felt. Eventually I drifted off to sleep when the sun started to rise again.

Not much later I was awoken by a knock on my door.

"Near, wake up! The bus will be here in 15 minutes." I heard Matt calling from the other side of the door.

I rose from my bed and stumbled into the hallway so I could go into the bathroom to wash up. I was simply exhausted due to lack of sleep the night before. After washing up I went back to my room to retrieve my things. I met Matt in the hallway, near everyone else who was waiting to leave. Mello could be seen sitting down in the loveseat in the common room, with his bandaged right foot elevated. His expression was that of anger. He stared at us from the distance, biting down hard on a chocolate bar.. His eyes were burning holes into Matt's back.

"There's a cooler filled with refreshments for the trip in the common room, could someone in the back be so kind as to fetch it for me?" Roger asked from the front of the crowd.

"I'll get it!" I said.

I didn't want to risk any additional confrontation between Matt and Mello. I quickly went inside the room to retrieve the cooler. The cooler was situated roughly a metre from where Mello was sitting. As I bent down to pick it up, Mello turned to me and smiled sarcastically.

"You must be proud of yourself little Near. You've found yourself a new friend, haven't you?"

"And what of it?" I said, hoisting the cooler up by the side handles.

"Oh nothing! I just find it interesting, amusing in fact. Just remember, he's my friend first. We just had a rau, so I loosened the leash a little, but he'll be back to me when I feel like taking him back. Have fun on the trip." Mello said, apparently unaware at how well jealousy showed on him. I leaned in a bit closer, just out of arms reach.

"And if you weren't such a clumsy ox, you wouldn't be sitting here this weekend. Have fun with yourself."

He lunged after me, but his movement was restricted since he couldn't put his feet on the ground. I stepped backwards.

"Oh, were you planning on chasing after me?" I said with a dry smirk as Mello sunk back into his seat, his face a maddening shade of red. I left the room and carried the cooler out to the front of the building where the rest were waiting.

Roger took the cooler from me and carried it on to the bus. I went inside and found Matt seated at the rear. He waved me over to sit down next to him.

"What did Mello say to you?" He asked concernedly.

"Nothing to trouble you with." I replied, pulling a book from Matt's hands for closer examination. 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' was the title, obviously science-fiction, something Matt seems to be quite fond of.

"Have you read it yet?" I asked.

"Not yet, I was going to start it today. It's supposed to be hilarious."

"Would you like to read it together? We could signal one other when it's time to change pages."

It seemed like a fascinating way to make book-reading slightly less antisocial. Normally this is something I would care less about but I wanted to interact with him as much as possible. The bus began to pull off. We sat close together, his right hand on the left side of the book with my left hand on the right. I found that his reading pace closely matches mine, and at times he was nudging me to signal he was done with the page before I had finished it. Some of the content of this book was ridiculous, but I supposed that was the purpose. At one point I couldn't help but laugh at one of the passages, apparently at the same time Matt head read it since he matched me in laughter.

"Wait! Hold on a second! Were you actually laughing?" Matt said with surprised eyes.

"Yeah..." I said through chuckles.

"You've got a great laugh Near. I'm glad I finally got to hear it."

His comment made my cheeks swell. We spent the rest of the trip reading. Occasionally we would race each other to see who got to the end first. At one point he suspected me of cheating, and held the book from me to see if I could give him a synopsis of what the last page was about. I relayed it back to him verbatim. I thought I would have to pick his jaw up from his lap. Then of course I felt bad for showing off, but he didn't seem bothered in the slightest.

London is about one and a half hours from Winchester, but the trip went by so quickly I could hardly believe it to be more than 20 minutes. The fact that we ended up finishing the book by the time we got onto the M4 signified it. After a short while we arrived at our hotel. Roger checked us in at the front desk. He was seen arguing with the front desk agent for a while. I couldn't make out what they were saying. He came back with a bunch of keys in his hand.

"Now it seems the hotel incorrectly booked the rooms. Some of your rooms may only have a single bed," Roger stated. Matt and I both looked at each other that instant and then quickly looked away, awkwardly. I had a feeling he was thinking the same thing as I was at that moment. "If that is a problem then let me know and I will arrange for a portable bed to be brought to your rooms. Lets all go to our rooms to drop off our bags and meet back here in 15 minutes." Roger continued. He handed Matt and I our keys. The keycard read Room 707. We took the lift to the 7th floor and roved the hallway for our room. I inserted the electronic key into the slot on the door and turned the handle when a green indicator illuminated.

It was a bit dark inside since the shades were drawn. I turned on the light and saw a single, full sized bed in the middle of the room. I said nothing and placed my rucksack on the bed. Matt placed his next to mine. To say this was an awkward moment would not be exaggerating. Matt was silent as well. Was he going to tell Roger? I wasn't going to be the one to do that. Matt stared at the bed, contemplating it.

"I think it's time to go back outside." He said, snapping back into focus. I followed him from the room. The lift doors were just closing as we arrived. Matt pressed the call button and we waited there in silence.

"I don't see it as a problem." He said.

"Huh? Oh me neither, not worth troubling Roger about." I replied, coiling my hair around one of my fingers, something I tend to do subconsciously. A chime sounded as the lift doors opened again. We rode the lift down to the ground floor.

I thought about his comment. Though his attitude wore apathy, it seemed to mean more to him than that. It seemed to mean quite a bit to me too. The more I thought about the idea of Matt and I sharing a bed, the more anxious I became. It was an inner voice that I couldn't hear, someone else pushing the buttons deep within me. Like I said before, I'm not oblivious to sexual attraction, but this was unlike anything I've ever felt before. I could start to see where this is headed, it's just how we'll get there that has me concerned. I wouldn't make the first move. I wouldn't even know where to begin, for fear of scaring Matt away, should my analysis of our situation be wrong.

We reached the the ground level and stepped off of the lift when the stainless steel doors parted..Everyone was gathered outside the building near where the bus had let us off. After we rejoined the group, Roger handed us a sheet of paper showing our itinerary for the day. Our first stop was a tour of Buckingham Palace, then the changing of the guards, followed by lunch, then Madam Tussuad's wax museum, and then Piccadilly Circus for shopping and back to the hotel for dinner.

I hadn't anticipated the hot weather, as I don't go outside very often, and since we were going to be walking a lot I was going to be more uncomfortable than I was already. My usual wardrobe of a button-up white shirt and slacks was far more suited for the climate controlled indoors.

"Near did you bring anything else to wear? It's too hot outside for what you're wearing." Matt said probably seeing the beads of sweat building up on my forehead.

"Unfortunately no, I don't really have much else to wear. I rarely encounter hot weather." I said, wiping my brow.

"Can I at least offer you a t-shirt? You'll suffocate in what you're wearing now."

"Thanks. I suppose that would be great relief." I said, tugging at my collar.

"Go back up to the room and get the shirt out of my bag. I packed a couple of extras just in case, so you're not troubling me." He said handing me the key to our room.

I re-entered the building at took the lift back to our floor. I re-entered the room and opened Matt's bag. I found a shirt right at the top and pulled it out. It was a plain white-shirt. It was well worn and as a result the material was very thin and soft. I'm not sure what came over me at that instant but I followed the instinct to bury my nose in the folded cloth and inhale deeply. It smelled like him. Not a strong odor, mind you, but this was indeed Matt's unique scent. It was like taking a drug of sorts, because it made me feel wonderful. I unbuttoned my sweat soaked shirt and took it off. I looked at my figure in the mirror. I don't often look at myself in the mirror. Obviously I know what I look like, but this was different. I wanted to see myself as Matt might see me.

I studied my reflection. I ran a hand over my chest.

 _Was my skin smooth enough? My flesh firm enough? Would he enjoy touching me here?_

My fingers traced down my body, images of Matt's tongue sliding down my abdomen flashed in my mind. My fingers rubbed back and forth over the area near my naval. I allowed them to slip down into the waistband of my underwear. I was fully aroused. I started to feel hotter than when I was outside. I felt and heard the veins in my neck pulsing. My breaths were shallow and quick. A knock sounded at the door, shocking me back to reality. I quickly put the shirt on, and made sure my excitement wasn't 'showing'. I opened the door and was met by Roger.

"Near, we're ready to leave. I didn't expect for you to take this long." He said.

"Oh, I just wanted to to brush my teeth before we left." It was the first excuse that came to mind. Once back outside I re-joined Matt, who upon sight of me, had a big smile on his face.

"What's wrong?" I asked, hoping I didn't have the shirt inside out and backwards.

"Nothing! The shirt fits you well. It's a little big on you, but you look good wearing it." He replied. The compliment made be blush. It did fit nicely. The thin, soft cloth allowed the breeze to pass right through. I felt much more comfortable in these conditions wearing it.

We all re-embarked the bus, which was to take us to our first stop. Buckingham Palace was very crowded with tourists. Roger had us grouped tightly together so we didn't manage to lose one another. Normally I would have found such at thing boring. I've never been fond of all the pomp and circumstance surrounding royalty. To me it seemed antiquated and pointless. However Matt seemed to enjoy it, even revere it. He was particularly impressed with seeing the Crown Jewels.

"Wooooow." Was all he could muster as his eyes widened at the sight.

"What do you reckon it's worth Near?" He asked excitedly.

"I reckon it's worth nothing since it will never be sold."

I felt bad taking the wind out of his sails with my comment. 'This is what people must not like about me', I thought. I wish I could've taken it back and shared in his excitement. Hopefully Matt would forget about it.

Afterwards we had fish and chips at a local shop, and then went onward to the wax museum. While I'll admit, this also wasn't normally something I'd be terribly interested in, I had a great time with Matt around. His happiness was contagious now that I decided to open myself up to it. I wished it was just the two of us roaming the city instead of an entire group. Perhaps one day we'll have to do this again on our own, I thought.

The sun was setting as we made our way to the bustling Piccadilly Circus. As the skies darkened, our faces glowed in nearly every hue imaginable, as the light from countless neon signs and video screens showered us. A calm wind rushed around the buildings towards us. I closed my eyes as the breeze enveloped my body through Matt's faded and thin shirt. I felt like I was floating for a seconds. All the cacophony of the street; music, passing cars, the sound of 1000 people talking, all faded together at once. I wanted to float there for an instant, lost in the moment. I wanted to hold his hand. To be one with him during this moment.

 _Is this how he feels all the time?_

I started to realize that I was very tired. I didn't sleep very well the night before and this was far more walking around than I'm used to. I yawned as my eyes went dry in the night air.

"You look exhausted Near." Matt said.

"Huh? Oh, yes I am. It's been a long day for me. However I'm really enjoying myself." I replied, rubbing my eyes.

As we walked down the street, a sleek, low slung blue coupé caught Matt's attention.

"Wow. Near isn't it awesome!" He exclaimed, tugging at my arm.

"What is it?" I replied.

"Jaguar XK-R Silverstone. Oh man, I would give anything to have this car. When you're rich and successful like L, can you buy it for me? Please!" Matt asked, a hopeful smile on his face.

"Fine but you'll have to drive me around, wherever I ask, even if it's in the middle of the night."

"I could be your Watari!" He exclaimed. "We could work alongside L, bring all the criminals down! I think we'd make a great team!"

The thought of Matt and I working together made me smile widely. He's right, we probably would make a great team, each of our strengths working together. I wondered how Mello would react if he heard this conversation.

We had to walk fast to catch up with the rest of the group who was further up the street. As we neared, we saw that they were standing in place. Something was going on up ahead. As we neared we heard a voice, hollow and distorted through a hand-held megaphone. A man was standing on a makeshift podium, surrounded by a crowd of people. His words brought a chill to my spine.

"It's not too late to repent! Support Kira for a better world! Our saviour has spoken and he needs your support! Non-believers will be punished..." The man shouted into the megaphone. The crowd seemed transfixed, roaring in agreement after each spoken sentence. We all looked at each other nervously.

"Lets move along." Roger said, beckoning with his hand. We shuffled along pretty quickly, eager to get away.

"I really hope L catches Kira soon. This world is becoming more frightening by the day." Matt said.

"Me too Matt. I believe he will."

We were a good bit away from the Kira supporters when Roger decided to stop us for some shopping. As the oldest ones in our group, Matt, I and a few others were allowed to go on our own for half an hour. Each of us had been given a little spending money, more of L's generosity at play. I wasn't sure what I was going to buy, but Matt apparently didn't have that problem as he dragged me into the first shop that we passed. It was a clothing store, filled mostly with various types of urban streetwear, lots of stuff I could picture Matt wearing. I wasn't sure if I could see myself in any of it though.

I seemed to lose track of what Matt was doing as I wandered around the store to pass the time. Eventually I received a tap on the shoulder. When I turned around I found Matt staring at me through the most ridiculous pair of yellow goggles.

"Matt what are you wearing?" I asked, wrinkling my nose in confusion.

"They're glasses... of sorts. They're awesome. Everything looks wonderful through these! Here try them on!"

He had grabbed an extra set from the shelf and handed them to me. I stretched them over my head and looked around. The lenses didn't make things quite as yellow as I thought. Everything did seem so much brighter. I figured I would probably get a headache after wearing them for a while. I turned around and looked at Matt, who let out a raucous laugh at the sight of me. Seeing him laugh like that was contagious, and I started erupting onto laughter also. There we were, two nutters wearing yellow goggles, cackling at each other in the middle of the store.

"I love hearing your laugh, Near." Matt said with a sigh as he tousled my hair.

I wasn't expecting this display of affection and I think the surprise showed on my face. Matt looked away self-consciously. I rewarded him with a smile though, letting him know I welcomed it. I took the goggles off and handed them back.

"You don't want them?" Matt asked.

"No. They're just not me. You however, look very cute in them." I turned around quickly so he wouldn't see my rapidly blushing face.

 _What possessed me to say such a thing?_

"I'll be outside!" I called to him as I walked out, wondering how awkward things were going to be for the rest of the night. A few minutes later Matt came outside.

"C'mon lets check out the music store over there!" He said, tugging me along, like nothing had happened.

 _Perhaps, what I had said wasn't so out of line? Why cant I think clearly and logically?_

Next we had gone to a small and slightly dishevelled music shop where Matt had bought a few CD's. He had to nudge me once as I stared at the young man behind the counter who was donning a blue mohawk and various spiky piercings in his face.

"How much more time do we have?" I asked.

Matt checked out his watch.

"Only 3 minutes."

I wondered how 30 minutes went by so quickly. We started off back where we had come from. I was somewhat disappointed that our alone time was cut short. We could see the top of our bus in the distance, and as we grew closer Roger could be seen counting heads.

"Oh, there you two are. Right on time. Ok, I believe that's everyone. Everyone aboard now."

We took our previous seating positions in the rear of the vehicle. Once everyone was seated, the driver turned off the interior lighting. It was quite dark inside and a bit chilly. After sitting still for only one minute, I felt the exhaustion begin to overcome me as I reflected on the day's experiences. I realized that I wasn't the same person I was when I woke up this morning. I felt a unprecedented closeness to Matt, where I've never been close with anyone. Today he made me feel a happiness that I didn't know I was missing. I laughed, smiled, and just generally felt wonderful inside. I never realized how empty I felt before, because it's all I've ever felt.

Now that I had time to analyse the situation, I knew for certain that I was fiercely sexually attracted to him, and I had a strong suspicion he felt the same about me. The way he showed me affection, the way he looked at me, smiled at me. I hoped this wasn't all in my imagination, because now I wanted to get closer to him than ever.

 _What would happen? I wont be the one to make the first move. I wouldn't even know where to begin._

"Near! Wake up. We're at the hotel!" Matt whispered to me, tapping me awake. I felt his finger stroke my ear. I opened my eyes to see that most of the passengers were already outside. I hoisted myself out of the seat, yawned and stretched deeply, and looked in Matt's direction. He was smiling at me, possibly amused by a tired Near. I smiled lazily at him before shuffling off of the bus.

I nearly fell asleep while standing up on the lift. My eyelids were terribly heavy and felt like they were backed with sandpaper. I could only estimate that I had about 2 hours of sleep the night before, and today I walked probably more than I had in the whole year. When we reached the room, I then remembered that Matt and I would be sharing a bed tonight.

"Matt, I think I'm going to take a shower. I sweated a lot today." I said, reaching for the bathroom door.

"I need one too so I'll go afterwards."

I disrobed, folding and placing the shirt Matt had given me on the basin.

 _I wonder if he would mind me keeping it?_

The hot water of the shower felt like a warm blanket as I washed the day's grime down the drain. I was certain to fall asleep inside the shower, so I made sure to cut it short, and dried myself off inside the bathroom before wrapping my waist in a towel. After brushing my teeth, I exited the bathroom Matt was sitting on the bed, when I entered the room, standing nearly naked before him. He looked hesitant to get up. His eyes fixing nervously on me.

"I'll take my shower now."

He walked into the bathroom rather quickly. I put on a fresh pair of underwear and climbed into bed.

I must have fallen asleep not 30 seconds later. I did have an interesting dream that night, however unusual, because I normally don't remember my dreams.

I was riding the bus we were on earlier. It was daytime, but nobody but myself was inside. I couldn't quite make out who the driver was, all I could say is that someone was actually driving it. I looked outside of the windows. It was some place I didn't recognize. Nobody was on the streets. It was as if I was the only one in the universe. I started to feel a vibration coming from the bus. It feel perhaps like a bad tyre. I cant tell which one as it seemed to come from everywhere. I could feel it in everything, the seats, the grab handles.

"Driver, I believe something's wrong!" I shouted towards the front of the vehicle. I received no response. I heard a whisper in my ear. It sounded like it was from someone standing right next to me, but when I turned my head, nobody was there.

"Neeeaaarrrr..."

"Who said that?" I called out as I searched all the seats for the person who had called my name. The vibrations were stronger than ever. Suddenly they slowed to a stop. Everything was still again.


	4. Holding onto Forever Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Matt

I don't know what came over me that night. I have to admit, I was a little disappointed when I found Near sleeping when I came out of the shower. However I couldn't blame him. He was quite exhausted. I was a bit anxious wondering what might happen with us sharing a bed that night. I didn't know how I should approach it, or even if I should. All these thoughts were racing through my mind as I showered. Perhaps it was for the better that he fell asleep, maybe we weren't ready yet.

I couldn't help myself though. Lying there in bed next to him, was more than I could take. He had the covers pulled halfway up his bare chest. He looked beautiful. Peaceful. I imagined what it would be like to kiss his neck, the smooth skin of his chest, to suck gently on the end of his chin. What would he taste like, smell like? What sounds would he make? I imagined a heated moan escaping from his soft pink lips. I simply couldn't help myself. I pleasured myself next to him, heart in mouth for fear he would wake up. When I came, I had to stifle my voice as I called his name quietly with a half moan/half whisper sound. I'm glad I did it though, because I don't think I would've slept a wink that night otherwise.

The next morning Near got up before me. He had gotten dressed and went down to the hotel lobby to grab some breakfast for us, a thoughtful gesture.

"How'd you sleep Near?" I asked, more than just out of simple curiosity.

"Very well. I desperately needed a full night's worth. I thought I was going to fall asleep standing up."

"Did you have fun yesterday?" I asked. He looked up from his plate.

"Yes, I honestly can say that I did. Thank you Matt."

While his voice was typically unaffected, his eyes told the whole story. I felt good inside. I made near laugh, smile. Nobody ever sees more than a dry, sarcastic smirk from this boy, let alone laughter. It meant to the world to me to see him genuinely happy, and to know I had something to do with it.

"Can I... Can I keep the shirt you lent me Matt?" He asked.

"Of course! I've got plenty."

He nodded in thanks. The rest of the day went by quickly. Roger only had a few small things planned for us, as were leaving a little bit after noontime. On the drive back, I was somewhat concerned about the angry Mello that would be waiting for me there. However, I don't think this trip would have been as enjoyable had he been there. Actually it may have ended up being downright unenjoyable, trying to split myself between him and Near.

Sooner than I realized, we were back in Winchester, and only moments from home. I could see the mansard roof in the distance as we rounded the bend. When my feet hit the ground I realized how hot it had gotten outside. It seemed even hotter than it was yesterday. We entered the familiar building, and I set off to my room to put away my things. I found Mello sitting on my bed munching on a chocolate bar, waiting for me.

"Well look who's here? How was the trip?" Mello said.

"It was fine. How's your ankle?"

"Did you and Near play nicely?"

He had an icy flare in his voice, ignoring the concern I had for his injury. I stopped putting my things away. I could see where this was going already.

"Why do you ask?" I could feel the anger roiling in my stomach like a cauldron.

"Oh just curious. You seem to be spending an awful lot of time with each other lately. You seem to be getting..." He rose up and brought his face close to mine, his breath reeked of chocolate. "close."

"Just what are you playing at?" I snapped, backing away from him.

Mello shrugged his shoulders dismissively. Mello pushing me around is nothing new, but when Near is involved I wouldn't stand for it.

"Look, he's a good bloke. Nobody's paid him enough mind to ever notice that. He's my bloody friend and he's a damn sight better friend than you are to me!" I verbally spat towards him, unsure of where I found that fire inside of me. "And here's your bloody book!" I snatched the book from the table and threw it at him in one motion, not hard enough to damage it or to injure, but enough to get my point across, it landed into his midriff and fell to the ground. "Now fuck off out of my room!"

He stared me down, saying nothing. I could almost hear his teeth grinding. I was worried he might try to hit me. I dared not flinch though as he moved closer. He started to leave, and bumped shoulders with me forcefully as he walked out the door. I closed it behind him, and collapsed on my bed, trying to catch my breath. I had always figured I'd feel awful after a confrontation like this with Mello, but I felt some relief. While I was tiring of him for a while, I didn't realize just how lousy I was being treated until Near pointed it out to me. I felt like a fool. He has done nothing for me. My blind lust for him turned me into a fool. My lust for his blond hair and pretty bloody face, which turns out to belong to nothing more than a narcissistic cock.

I started to calm down as I paced the room. I needed to get out of here... do something. I knew I had to see the only person who would make me feel better.

I knocked on Near's door.

"Come in!"

I entered his room and found him unpacking his things and putting everything away neatly. I entered the room and sat down at the foot of his bed.

"I just had an argument with Mello. I found him in my room waiting for me."

"Is everything ok Matt?"

"Oh fuck him! I threw him out of my room."

"Is he ever going to accept responsibility for injuring his own foot instead of blaming you?"

"I dunno. I don't care either. I just want to get a way for a little while. So I found you."

I didn't dare tell him what the argument was actually about. He didn't need to know that it involved him as well.

"So what are we going to do? Movie? Games?"

A fantastic idea came to me.

"Fancy going outside? I know somewhere we can go."

"Normally I would say no, but I trust you." Near said, getting up off his bed.

Wammy's house is surrounded by forests, and I knew of something there, deep into the woods that might be fun. I led him down the stairs to the side door near the pantry. The air was hot outside, like a hairdryer in your face.

"Wow.. It's a little uncomfortable out here. Are you sure you want to be out here?" Near asked pulling at the collar of his long sleeved shirt.

"It wont be a problem. Follow me." I said as we dashed into the forest, shielded from the sun by the trees above us. It was still extremely hot and humid, making breathing laborious.

"How far are you taking us?" Near asked, his forehead glistening with sweat, his hair plastered to it in places.

"We're here, just beyond that clearing! Cmon!"

I dashed ahead excitedly as we reached the clearing, the sun strong above us.

"It's a... lake?" Near said with a perplex look on his face. I stepped onto the large rock that jutted into the mouth of the lake and started to take off my shoes.

"Matt, I don't know how to swim."

"Well we'll have to do something about that, wont we?"

"Besides, we don't have bathing trunks. I don't even own a pair."

"Just swim in your underwear. It's just us out here!"

I stripped down to my gray boxer briefs. Near's eyes widened in disbelief. I cannonballed off of the rock, holding my legs to my chest. The water was refreshingly cool, not cold. Near stepped onto the rock and slowly started to unbutton his shirt.

"I'm still a bit concerned about my lack of swimming ability. I understand the mechanics behind it, but experience is..."

"I wont let you drown Near, I promise. Besides as you can see, this part is shallow enough to stand." I replied standing straight up, the water reaching just below my chest.

Near is a bit shorter than me, but surely he could keep his head above the surface. Near removed the rest of this clothes, and now stood before me on the rock, in his white briefs, looking simply stunning. He was thin without looking gaunt. Not much muscle definition, hardly a surprise for someone who rarely exercises or engages in physical activity, but he was as far as I could tell, perfect. His body was nicely proportioned and had just enough curve in his pectorals to make them out, and a flat tummy. His legs were shapely, and hairless, and appeared longer than I would've thought, considering his diminutive stature. I could've stared all day, but as he carefully approached the edge of the rock, he needed my assistance.

"Jump!" I called out to him. He hesitated for a moment. "C'mon jump!"

In one movement he leaped from the rock. I hoped he wouldn't end up landing on his stomach, and fortunately he didn't. I moved my way over to him as he resurfaced.

"It's a bit colder than I expected..." He said, blinking the water from his eyes. "But it's refreshing."

"So, are you ready for lesson one?"

Near had an easier time swimming than I had thought. It should be of no surprise that he's a very fast learner. I had to hold him up while he swam in place for a bit. It was less than sensual contact, but contact nonetheless, and that was enough for me at the moment. He was smiling and sometimes laughing through it all. At one point he managed to find his way to the deeper part of the lake and lost his momentum. I quickly swam over to him and held him above water, his chest pressed close to mine.

We were out there for a few hours at least, frolicking, splashing. The sun was starting to become low on the horizon. I decided it's time to dry ourselves off before the sun sets and we were left in the dark. Near followed me onto the rock, his soaked white briefs leaving little to the imagination. We laid there for a bit, waiting for the hot summer air to dry us.

"How'd you find this place Matt?" Near asked.

"I was just walking around. Mello had me feeling a bit down on myself for once, and I just decided to walk into the forest. Once I found the lake, I went for a swim right then and there. Everything seemed better afterwards. Just like now." I replied. We laid there for a while in silence. I nearly fell asleep. The sun was beginning to turn orange now as it began to set.

"Matt, I think we should get going. The sun is starting to set." Near asked, nudging my shoulder.

"Ok. Ok." I said through a yawn.

We put our clothes back on and walked back into the forest, back towards the house.

"So, what are we doing after this?" Near asked.

"Lets go back to my room and we'll think of something." I replied. We re-entered through the pantry door. Nobody seemed to have been looking for us while we were gone.

We reached my room. I opened the door hoping I would not find Mello inside again. He wasn't there. After Near and I entered, I locked the door behind me.

I saw Near tugging at his shirt uncomfortably.

"I think I may have gotten sunburned." He said, trying to look down at his shoulder.

"Oh Near I'm so sorry! I didn't consider that your skin is so fair it would burn easily!"

"It's ok Matt, I had such an amazing time today I don't care. I'll just go visit the Nurse."

"And tell her what exactly? Let me see the sunburn."

Near removed his shirt. The sunburn wasn't really bad at all. I would've been surprised if he had much sunburn at all considering most of the lake was in the shade. His shoulders maybe were a little pink, but I guess if he wasn't used to much sun exposure it must've bothered him a bit. I had an idea, and it gave me goosebumps.

"I've got something that will help. Lie down on the bed." I said, pulling a bottle of massage oil from the nightstand cabinet.

"Why do you have a bottle of massage oil in your nightstand?".

"Do you really need me to answer that question?" I replied, feeling myself blush. Near took a moment to process my statement.

"Oh... never mind." Near said, as he laid on his stomach.

I climbed on top of him, opened the cap, and poured some of the oil on his bare back. With both hands I worked the oil into his skin, rubbing his shoulders gently. I honestly had no idea if this would help sunburn or not. I didn't care either. I could feel every muscle in his body as my fingers slid over his smooth skin.

"mmm..."

He seemed to be enjoying this as much as I was. I was beginning to sweat nervously as I touched him I ran my hands down his sides, and reached around towards his stomach. He inhaled sharply, surprising me with his sudden reaction. I had to go further.

"Near turn over." I said.

He obeyed, turning over onto his back. His eyes were still closed.

I poured more oil on his chest, and began to work it in. My hands sliding all over him. His skin was tight. I could feel his heart banging away as my hand passed over it.

 _What was I doing to him?_

My heart was beating faster too. His skin was hot to the touch. I worked my way to his stomach, which had gotten a strong reaction from him earlier.

"unnhhh."

I ran my hands up and down his sides, pushing a little harder into his firm flesh. I could feel his hardness beneath me as I straddled him. I thought I was going to burst at the seams, unable to believe where I was and what I was doing at that moment. Suddenly, Near's eyes opened as he propped himself up on his elbows. I've never seen him like this. I don't think anyone has. His blue eyes were glassy, his breathing comprised of deliberate, shallow breaths. His face was flushed. He stared deep into my eyes, his mouth slightly agape. I was frozen.

Near grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and forcefully pulled me towards him. He kissed me. This wasn't a gentle, tender kiss. This kiss was hungry. His tongue forced it's way into my mouth and I accepted it readily, letting it tangle with mine. He pulled away slightly biting my lip, teasing me. Then, in one movement he pulled my shirt off over my head. I was shaking. I thought my heart was going to explode inside my chest. Near had taken over. This was no longer a game.

I had awoken something inside of him.


	5. Holding onto Forever Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Near

I couldn't handle it anymore. The sensation of Matt's hands sensually rubbing my body all over, was all I could bear. A demon inside of me came out. I didn't know what I was doing, yet it came to me so naturally, my instinct brought to the surface. This was beyond lust. I had the hunger of a bloodthirsty animal. My heart was pounding.

I reached over to the nightstand and pulled the bottle of oil from the table. In one motion I had uncapped it and poured it over Matt's shoulders, some of it spilling onto myself as it ran off of him. I don't even know where I got the idea. I didn't even think about it. I just did it. I ran my oil soaked hands all over his body. Grabbing him from the back of his head I pulled him down into me, our slippery chests touching, our hearts beating together. I feasted on his mouth, his lips and his chin. I noticed his body was more muscular than mine as I ran my hands over his back, squeezing at the flesh. I needed more of him. I pushed him up off of me a little bit so I could access the front of his trousers. I tugged at the belt, unbuckling it clumsily. The waistband of his underwear was drenched in oil as droplets rolled down his stomach. I never could've imagined something so erotic. He unbuttoned my trousers and slid them off, leaving me in only my underwear, still slightly damp from earlier. I continued trying to remove his trousers, but he did it for me, and then pushed me back onto the bed with his fingers on the palm of my chest. He attacked my neck first, sucking on the flesh hungrily. He moved lower to my chest, flitting his tongue playfully over my nipples. I placed one hand on the back of his head and the other on his back I pushed him lower, but he wasn't going to give in that easily, not without teasing me some more first. He moved onto my stomach. His hands rubbing up and down my thighs. I was so hard it hurt, constricted by the fabric of my briefs. He moved one of his hands to rub my chest and neck. I grabbed one of his wrists and brought his hand to my mouth. I started to suck on his fingers. This made him feast on me even harder. "Oh get on with it!" I thought to myself, as every pleasure center in my body screamed at once. He moved lower to my lower stomach, dragging his velvet tongue across it slowly. I moaned deeply, letting him know he was doing well.

"Touch me... Please..."

I called out to him in a breathy voice as I ran my oily hands through his hair. I felt his hand hook into my underwear, one of his fingers briefly brushing the head of my penis. I bit my lip from the sensation. He pulled them off down to my knees, my hardness exposed to the air, twitching slightly every time my heart beat. Precum oozed from the tip and down the shaft. I wasn't sure what he was going to do next but I feared I might be at the breaking point, that I would lose it on the first touch. He held my my penis at the base, and then took it deep into his mouth, sliding all the way down until he buried his nose in my pubic hair.

"UUUNGGHHH!" I yelped loudly.

I had no idea what pleasure was before. Not until now. The feeling was incredible... unexplainable. He pulled it nearly out of his mouth and sucked on the head lovingly before plunging it deep into his hot mouth again, swirling his tongue around. I knew I wasn't going to last much longer. I didn't want to cum yet, but I couldn't help it. I grabbed his hair and pulled his head up and down, pushing myself deeper into his mouth, faster. My body felt electrified. I was moaning louder, longer, raising my hips off of the bed trying to get myself just the slightest bit deeper inside of him. I hoped I wasn't hurting him or being too rough but I lost all self-control at this point. I tried to hold back as long as I could. My insides were on fire. I couldn't hold it anymore. I wrapped my legs around his back. He responded by cupping his hands on my balls.

"Mmmmmatt.. I'm... uh...I'm... Ughhhh! Mmmmmmmaaaaaahhhhhh!"

I never heard a sound like that come out of me before. It was deep, almost guttural. I felt myself spasming as I filled his mouth with cum. He didn't back off, didn't miss a beat. I felt him swallow, as he continued sucking up and down. The sensation was too much. It was too sensitive. My body jerked every time he went down. Finally he pulled my cock out of his mouth, looking up from me, some of my seed dribbling out of the corner of his mouth and down his chin, making a long string to my stomach.

I was lightheaded, nearly hyperventilating as I felt a tear stream down the side of my face. I released my leg-lock on him. Matt climbed back up to me, his face smeared in oil and his hair plastered to his head in parts.

This wasn't over yet. I wanted to give Matt as much pleasure as he'd given me. I just needed a minute to catch my breath. Matt was like a hungry animal. He bit on my lip, my chin, moving to my neck... I grabbed him by his jaw and kissed him deeply again. His mouth was salty from my juices. I wanted more. I felt myself getting hard again.

I flipped him over onto his back and buried my face into his neck. Sucking. Kissing. I took his ear into my mouth, licking the inside.

"mmmmm..."

It's about time I heard something from him, I thought. This only egged me on further. I started kissing his smooth chest, nipping and biting on the flesh gently. I moved lower to his stomach, treating him to the same pleasure he gave me. Now it was my turn to tease. The front of his underwear was wet with precum. I sucked and nibbled gently on his erection through the cloth. I felt it twitch as he groaned. My hand slipped inside his underwear and wrapped my hand around it.

"Neeaarrrr..." He moaned. It sounded just like what I had heard in my dream, an observation I found interesting. I pulled his underwear off and exposed him to me. His penis was beautiful. Slightly larger than mine at about 6.5 inches. A bit thicker, as well, surrounded by a neat base of brown hair. I wrapped my hand around it firmly, my palms still oily, and starting stroking up and down slowly. He moaned with delight, his eyes closed, head thrashing back and forth slowly. I enjoyed watching him. I wondered if this is how I looked. I continued, tugging at his scrotum with my other hand, massaging the soft flesh in between my fingers. Matt reached out and started rubbing my chest and my sides, anything he could get his hands on. I quickened my pace. His breathing was getting faster. His whimpers more frequent. I knew he was getting close. I wanted to taste him, just as he had tasted me. I lowered my head and took his hardness into my mouth, as deep as I possibly could. I tried my best to emulate what he had done to me. I bobbed my head up and down on his shaft, pressing my tongue against it, paying extra attention to the head which was purple and engorged. Matt inhaled sharply through his teeth, and without warning erupted into my mouth, filling me with his salty semen. He came a lot, and I tried to swallow as much as I could, but it just kept coming, half of it spilling from my mouth, collecting at the base of his cock and in his pubic hair.

I pulled myself back up and straddled him. He gazed upwards at me. I needed relief again, but decided to take matters into my own hands. Matt looked wiped out. I stroked myself while looking down at Matt's beautiful face and body. He cupped a hand around my balls and started kneading the sack gently. I ran my other hand over his chest, feeling my fingers slide over the firm flesh. I felt the familiar sensation boiling up inside of me. I gripped myself tighter as the second powerful orgasm overcame me. I bit my lip and moaned softly as ropes of semen erupted from me, landing on Matt's face, neck and chest. Fully spent, I collapsed in a heap on top of him. He ran his hands up and down my back as I panted.

We laid there together for a while, our bodies glistening, slick with oil, sweat, and our juices. Matt broke the silence with some levity.

"So how's your sunburn?" He asked, an amused tone in his voice.

"What sunburn?" I replied, my face buried in his neck. I didn't think he could see the smile, although maybe he had felt it.

"You cheeky bastard! You played me didn't you!" Matt said, slapping my bottom playfully.

"Yep. I did," I replied, rather proud of myself. "I was too afraid to make the first move. So I waited for you to create the situation before I acted."

"You really are something else, Near."

I wanted to stay in his arms for hours, but unfortunately that couldn't be. It was getting somewhat late, and I was starved. We both definitely needed showers before we could be around other people. I was the first to get up, followed by Matt.

"Wow, we sure made a mess didn't we." Matt said, scratching his head as he observed the state we left his room in. Matt handed me a shirt to wipe myself up with. He began to strip the oily linens from the bed.

"Maybe next time we should lay down some tarpaulin," I said, causing Matt to crack up with laughter. "I think it would be wise for us to shower separately. We don't want to raise any suspicions."

"You have a point. You go ahead first. I'm going to finish cleaning up here, drop these off in the laundry, and then I'll meet you at dinner after I shower." Matt said.

"Come here Matt." I said. As he got closer to me I gently placed my hand on the back of his head and kissed him gently. "Thank you. This... this was amazing."

"You're amazing."

I unlatched the door, and set off to the bathroom for a much needed shower. 'What just happened?' I thought to myself. It all happened so quickly, it needed time to sink in. While I was ecstatic, I was also nervous. I felt a responsibility towards Matt. He trusted me with his feelings, likewise I trust him with mine. I was unsure about myself, given my lack of experience with relationships in general. I didn't want to disappoint him, or even worse hurt him. I felt incredible though. My body seemed different, having felt things I didn't even know could be felt. I've been randy from time to time, but it was nothing like what I experienced tonight.

The hot water felt good on my body, even as it beaded on my oil soaked skin.

 _What had gotten into me when I did that?_

I had to laugh at myself due to the sheer ridiculousness of it, surprised I could think of something so kinky. I finished showering and with a towel wrapped around my waist, I went to my room to put on some fresh clothes and then headed downstairs to join Matt for dinner.

During weekends, Wammy's house serves dinner buffet-style over a course of two hours to accommodate everyone's varying schedule. We were a bit late. Most people had already eaten and left, however there still was more than a few people there, including Mello, who sat in his usual place at his usual table.

I grabbed a plate at the serving table and started to fill it with food. Tonight the chef had prepared a curry, mash, and some vegetables. I was so hungry, I would've eaten dog food if it was in front of me. I took a seat at my usual table and began to eat.

Moments later Matt entered the room. Smiling in my direction briefly, he went to the serving table to load up a plate. He carried his plate towards the tables, pausing once faced with the dilemma of which table he was supposed to sit at. Both Mello and I looked in his direction, however Mello's expression was of contempt, whereas mine was pleading. He confidently strode over to my table and sat down next to me. The sounds of surprise emanating from various corners.

"Why is Matt sitting with Near instead of Mello like he normally does?" Linda, one of the other residents asked. Linda is a pleasant girl, but unfortunately tact isn't one of her better qualities.

"That's because Matt has a new little friend." Mello fired sarcastically, with a dash of anger underneath his tone.

Matt rolled his eyes dismissively. I heard a few chuckles in the background. I started to feel self-conscious, as I became aware how many eyes were trained on us.

"Fucking gobshite." Matt muttered just under his breath, I believe with the intention to be heard. While I was happy Matt was finally standing up for himself, confrontations like this with Mello started to become nervewracking. I found it funny that I wasn't afraid of Mello until Matt came into the picture. I was afraid for his safety, and I had doubts that I would be capable of protecting him.

Mello got up from his seat hastily, his food half finished and stormed from the room, still limping slightly from the other day's injury. I wasn't even sure if he was really hurt, or just rubbing it in Matt's face. Fortunately the rest of our meal was free from any drama, with just the occasional muttering from other students in the background, breaking the silence.

After our meal Matt walked me to my room, and kissed me goodnight. I laid in bed that night a completely different person. I felt renewed. Images of what we had done earlier flashed through my mind. I could still feel the sensations, the memories still fresh in my mind. Matt's velvet smooth lips sliding all over my body, bringing me to ecstasy. His taste. His smell. His cries of pleasure echoed through my mind. I slipped my hands down my trousers and wrapped my hand around my hardness as I began to stroke myself.

"Touch me... please..." My earlier cries echoed through my head as I stroked myself faster.

"Neeearrr..." Faster...

"ssssssss... aaaah!" I recalled his seed filling my mouth and throat as I climaxed onto my hand, panting. I cleaned myself up with an dirty sock from the laundry basket, and went back to bed, falling asleep almost instantly.


	6. Holding onto Forever Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Matt

 _Was it all a dream?_

I wondered to myself as the morning sun shone through my window, my eyes still blurry as sleep lost it's hold on me. I looked around the room for signs that last night wasn't all in my head. I opened the nightstand. The bottle of massage oil was indeed nearly empty. It wasn't a dream. My eyes glanced towards the clock, which read ten o'clock.

I got dressed and headed down the stairs, hoping I hadn't missed breakfast. I had just made it as the food was about to be put away when I arrived. Feeling nourished I went to the common room to find Near. I found him in his usual place, sitting on the floor. Instead of a puzzle or toy robot, I found him with a sketch pad and pencil.

"What'cha up to, Near?" I asked, crouching down to his eye level.

"Good morning Matt. Just drawing a little." He said, not looking up from his work.

"What are you drawing?"

Near looked up at me apprehensively for a moment before handing me the sketch pad.

"It's not finished yet, but I suppose you can take a look."

My eyes nearly fell out of my head. It was me. Near sketched a picture, from memory, of me. It looked exactly like me I might add. I had no idea he had this kind of talent. I felt warm, touched that he was thinking of me.

"Wow. Near. I don't even know what to say. This... This means a lot to me. I didn't even know you could draw!" I said, staring at a near mirror image of myself. "You did this all from memory?"

"Yes. I have a photographic memory. It helps a lot." He replied, starting to draw again.

I noticed something in his demeanor. He was back to what I guess you could say is his old self. Completely different from the person I got to know last night. His mood was serious. I hoped nothing was wrong, or even worse, that he regretted what happened last night.

"Near, answer me honestly. Is everything ok?" I asked, looking him straight in the eye.

"I just need some time to think. This past few days have been a lot for me, and I just need some time to sort all these thoughts out," He must've noticed my worried put down his pencil and looked straight at me, "I don't regret a moment of what happened last night," This at least offered me me some reassurance. I nodded in response, looking towards the ground. Near continued, "We'll talk later. I promise. I just need to figure out how to formulate what I need to say."

I got up from my crouched position on the floor and walked out of the common room, unsure of what to do with myself now. Normally I'd spend my time tagging behind Mello, but the way things were between us, I'm not sure that would work out very well.

"Matt!" I heard a voice call to me from behind. It was Marlow, one of the other boys that lives here. I turned around as he skidded to a halt in front of me.

"Good! You don't look busy! Fancy joining us on the field? We're short one man." He asked. Normally he plays on the team opposite Mello. I was so infuriated at this point with Mello that I readily accepted. Besides, I needed something to occupy my time with otherwise I might go insane.

"Yeah I'm game.".

"Awesome! Follow me!" Marlow replied, bounding down the hallway.

I followed him to the back garden to join the rest of the waiting team. The look on Mello's face spoke a thousand words, as I took my position on the field, opposite him. I saw him muttering to one of the nearby players.

The game had started, and so far seemed typical. I spent a good deal of time outside the action, waiting for a pass to come my way. My opportunity came. I had caught the ball, and immediately charged towards the goal. A quick glance behind showed that I was in the clear for now, and with nobody to pass the ball to, it was all up to me. Suddenly I felt a searing pain in my side as I tumbled to the ground, the ball tumbling from hands and across the field. I saw a flash of golden blond hair as I tumbled. I laid flat out with my back on the ground, unable to catch my breath. Mello had clearly knocked the wind out of me. He picked himself up off the ground and glared in my direction, a satisfied smirk on his face. I was infuriated. That was done purely out of spite. Catching my breath I stumbled to my feet, holding my side.

"That was done on purpose! Are you trying to kill me! Do that again and watch what happens!" I yelled.

Mello pretended to ignore me as he walked away, still limping slightly from his last injury. The game went on, and not too much later, it happened again. This time at least I managed to dodge most of the impact. I still however ended up on the ground, my face dragging in the muddy grass. Still completely mobile I got back on my feet, grabbed Mello by the collar of his shirt and punched him straight in the mouth. He reeled backwards, almost losing his footing. I couldn't believe what I had done. I've never hit anyone before, and through the pain from my cut knuckles battled self-satisfaction and concern. I was afraid that I actually might have hurt him severely. Remorse quickly set in as the one who I once idolized, ran a finger across his bloody lip. Mello himself looked astonished as he looked at the blood on his finger.

Before I could react he was on top of me. I felt my back and head hit the ground as Mello's bony frame toppled onto me. It all happened so quickly. I saw flash, after flash of white light as each of his fists connected with my face while various profanities were being spat at me. My arms were flailing. I may have hit him once or twice but I couldn't be sure. He was pummeling me and I couldn't stop him. We were equal in size but he had the advantage, being on top and flat out crazier than I am. Suddenly it stopped, but only as far as I was involved. I heard a commotion. I inhaled deeply, a stabbing pain in my side as I sat up and saw Mello laying on the ground, holding his stomach. Near was standing above him, his hand covering his mouth in shock at what he had just done.

Mello was just about getting to his feet again when the other players reached him and held him back as he tried to charge Near, blood dribbling from his face, spitting like a rabid animal. Near himself even looked frightened by the display as his eyes went wide and his body rigid.

"Just what's going on here? Oh... my word!" Roger yelled, as he stormed out of the mansion onto the grass of the field, seeing both Mello and I battered and bleeding.

"That's it! Everyone inside! Mello, Matt, I will escort you to the Nurse's office. Near, wait for me in my office, I will be there shortly." Roger commanded .

While I was able to get to my feet, several of the boys insisted on helping me walk. To be honest I wasn't in terribly much pain, which was sure to change as the adrenaline wore off. The Nurse had seen us separately, probably to avoid a confrontation in her office. I was dismissed with little more than bruising. I don't believe Mello had it any worse than I had, with nothing more than a cut on the inside of his lip. We were instructed to report to Roger's office after leaving. I walked several paces ahead of Mello. I simply didn't want to give him the opportunity to start in with me again.

When we reached Roger's office Near was just walking out the door. He took a seat at one of the chairs in the hallway. I hoped he wasn't in any trouble. Once inside Roger's office we were instructed to sit down. Roger lectured us about how ruffian behavior solves nothing, and that as top honor students we should know better. It was a typical speech, one that amounted to no argument from us.

We were then doled out our punishment, which consisted of various manual labor tasks around the institute.

"And don't think for a second that Near is excluded from any of this." Roger said.

I felt awful, bringing Near down with me. He never gets into any sort of trouble. I'm just glad it was stopped when it was, who knows what Mello might have done to him.

We were given our assignments and dismissed. Near was waiting for me outside. Mello, fortunately didn't stop and continued walking down the hallway.

"Are you ok?" He asked, rising from the seat and placing a hand on my bruised cheek.

"I'll be ok. Thank you Near. That was incredibly brave of you." I replied, placing my hand on his.

"It's not a problem. You needed help and I was the closest one available." He replied, bringing his hand back to his side. My confused look must have caused him to continue.

"Shortly after you left the common room I happened to glance outside the window and see you playing. I decided to go outside and watch you. From my position, I was closest to you when the fight started. I did the only thing that made strategic sense. I kicked him in the stomach to get him off of you."

"Weren't you afraid? You don't seem the type to get into fights Near." We started to walk down the hallway together.

"I was terrified actually. But I wouldn't let him continue hurting you. I'm feeling a bit uneasy after all of this actually. Inflicting harm upon someone doesn't sit well with me. Even if it's Mello."

"What did Roger say to you?" I asked.

"He said that while my actions were noble, I had to share in the punishment. However he did mention that this incident wouldn't be going on my permanent record."

I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that Near wouldn't have this incident haunting him.

"So what task did Roger assign you?" I inquired as we reached the foyer.

"I am to inventory the pantry, removing and taking note of any expired items."

"Not too terrible. I was told to clean the common bathroom upstairs, not exactly a glamorous task, and then to wash the linens. I believe Mello is pulling weeds in the garden." I said, glad that Mello would be far away from us.

"We had better get started. Listen I still want to talk with you later, so we'll meet up after we're finished." He replied, pushing through the pantry door.

"Bye." I whispered as he disappeared through the door.

I set off upstairs to the common bathroom, stopping first at the supply closet. Donning rubber gloves and armed with a spray-bottle of cleaner, I set out to perform my task. While the bathroom does receive regular cleanings, this still wasn't a fun task. It was downright disgusting at certain points. I hoped Mello was having as much fun as I was.

I was starting to feel sore, as the adrenaline was finally out of my system. I didn't understand why he felt it necessary to attack me physically. I did befriend his mortal enemy, after all, but he left me no choice. I was tired of being kicked around by him. Perhaps he's angry that he doesn't have someone to kick around anymore. Why would I go back to him? I also wondered what Near wanted to talk about later. He seemed pretty lost in his own head earlier, which would seem normal for him, but I think I know him better than that by now. Something's on his mind. I would be worried except for the fact that he assured me there were no regrets. The fact that he defended me the way he did today has to count for something. That is something I never would have expected Near to do for anyone.

I was so deep in thought, before I knew it I was finished with the entire bathroom. Disposing of the gloves, I collected the dirty towels from the hamper, and headed off to laundry. This was mostly a waiting game. As I waited the 25 minutes for the wash cycle to finish, I decided a shower would be in order. I was sweaty from earlier and still had some streaks of dirt on my face from the fight earlier.

I looked at myself in the mirror. Mello had messed me up pretty good. My right cheek was a reddish purple color and slightly swollen. The area underneath my eye blackened slightly. I removed my shirt and was shocked to see my whole side was bruised. It was sore to the touch.

The warm water from the shower eased some of the discomfort, yet I was still careful while washing my bruised body. Finishing my shower I went to my room to put on some fresh clothes, and then back to the laundry room to dry the towels. A quick glance out the window showed the beginnings of a sunset. The day had gone quickly. Turning on the dryer, I decided to go downstairs and see how Near was doing. I was starting to get pretty hungry anyway.

I entered the pantry and found him just putting boxes on shelves.

"Hello Matt." He said, wiping his brow.

"Did you eat yet?" I asked.

"Yes, I wasn't sure what time you'd be finished, so I had something to eat. But I did save you a sandwich, just in case you'd forget to come down in time." He pulled a plate wrapped in cellophane from one of the nearby shelves and handed it to me. His thoughtfulness made me warm inside. Mello would have let me starve. I unwrapped the plate and began to eat. Even chewing hurt.

"Are you finished yet?"

"Almost. I'm just waiting for the dryer to finish." I said, in between bites. He approached me and turned the right side of my face towards the light.

"Matt. Your face..."

"I know. It hurts too." I replied, taking the last bite of the sandwich. I placed the empty plate on the floor.

"I'll be back." He said, turning around and leaving the pantry. He was back in a couple of minutes with some ice wrapped in a towel. I sat down on one of the boxes, while he gently pressed the ice against my bruised cheek.

"Aaah..." I winced. Near reduced the pressure but held the ice steadily against my face, he used his other hand to brush some errant strands of hair away from my eyes. His touch was so gentle. So caring. I turned towards him, embracing him in a tight hug. I rubbed my hand up and down his back, inhaling his essence deeply. He responded by kissing me on the cheek softly as we pulled away. We looked in each other's eyes for a moment. This wasn't the time or place to go further unfortunately. I was the first to break the gaze.

"I should get back upstairs and finish my job."

"Here, take this with you." He said, handing the ice to me.

"I shouldn't be too long. I'll come back down here and see if you need any help finishing up."

"Thanks."

I went back upstairs. The dryer had finished, so I proceeded to fold them neatly and place them back on the shelves in the bathroom. My side was really starting to hurt at this point. There was a sharp pain every time I inhaled too deeply. I hoped Near had hurt Mello as much as he had hurt me. I put the last of the towels away.

I went back downstairs. Near had already finished and was waiting for me by the door. I needed some fresh air.

"Want to go outside for a little bit?" I asked, placing my hand on the outside door handle. Near nodded.

I opened the door and we went outside. It was a cool night out, refreshing compared to the stale air inside. There were several large stones lining the entrance to the forest on this side of the house. I led him to one and we sat down together. We were silent for some time before Near spoke.

"I've been doing some thinking today, about us. I'm sorry if I seemed despondent earlier. It's just that this is a bit overwhelming for me, and I needed to sort things out. I'm not used to personal relationships. Truthfully I never believed in them, at least that's what I've always told myself. I had myself convinced that I was too different, that nobody could understand me, and because of that I never cared. I shut myself off from the outside world. I didn't... I didn't realize how lonely I was, how I was only half a person. You came along and you pushed me to feel, to love, to laugh. And because the desire was inside of me all along, just covered up, I took to it immediately almost out of instinct. You opened up a door inside me that I didn't believe was there, and although we've only been together for a short time, I cant imagine going back. So I want to pursue this relationship further with you." He said, looking down to the ground. Now was my turn to bare my soul.

"I was in love with Mello. At one point I would do anything he asked of me, without question, and without asking for anything in return. I started to realize how unfulfilling this was, and every time he hurt me, it made me realize more and more. His voice started to ring a different bell inside of me. Rather than listening to his words with awe, I listened with contempt. I decided to talk to you that day as part of my rebellion from him. I figured that most of the bollocks he said about you for all these years was probably untrue at this point, and I was reaching out to someone. You were there for me. You hardly knew me at all, yet you did for me what Mello wouldn't. I could tell you were something special. At the time I wasn't sure what it was I was seeing, that maybe my own desire was making me see things that weren't there, but now I know what I was seeing. I was seeing your emptiness, your loneliness, right through your cold shell. I wanted to fill a void inside of you that I knew was there. You opened up to me and in turn filled a void within me that Mello never could. I want to spend every waking moment with you Near, you make me feel more wonderful inside than anything I could've imagined." I reached down and held his hand in mine, caressing his slender fingers gently. "And you're beautiful as well, so beautiful it almost hurts to look at you for too long"

I could almost see Near blushing in the moonlight.

"Yeah, you're pretty fit too." Near said, prompting me to nearly explode with laughter. I began to laugh, but the stabbing pain in my side turned into a pop. I yelped in agony.

"Aaaahhh! Fuck me this hurts!" I said, holding my side.

"I think we should get you back to your room." Near said getting up off the rock and helping me up so I wouldn't strain myself any further. We re-entered the house, and went up the stairs, each step causing me to wince in pain. We reached my room.

"Take off your shirt Matt, I want to take a look." Near said. I removed my shirt carefully and lifted my arm up. He examined me for a moment.

"Matt, I think you might have a broken rib." He said, his tone serious, almost sad. I could see the anger building up behind his eyes. He breathed deeply, his lips pursed, but his eyes pleaded.

"What? Really?" I felt tears starting to well up in my eyes.

 _What did I do to deserve this?_

"When you laughed, the bone probably shifted, which is why it hurts so badly all of the sudden."

I carefully laid down on the bed and allowed the tears to stream down my face. Near laid down next to me and gently stroked my hair.

"You'll be okay, Matt. It shouldn't take too long to heal." He said, wiping the tears from my face with his hand tenderly. I reached up and pulled Near slightly closer to me. I kissed him. Our kiss was slow, careful. Near climbed on top of me as I laid down on my back, relieving the strain from my side.

Our kiss became more passionate, our tongues writhing in each other's mouths. Our breaths became deeper, heavier. I ran my hand up the back of his shirt. His body was hot to the touch We broke our kiss for a moment as Near pulled his shirt over his head and threw it on the floor. For the brief moment, I looked up in awe of his beauty.

 _Mello has nothing on you, Near._

He was close to me again, our chests touching, our tongues wrestled. I could feel his heart pounding against my chest. I could smell him. It wasn't a foul odour, rather a slight musky scent from sweating earlier while working. It drove me wild with desire.

Near kissed my neck, and then worked his way quickly down my body, leaving a trail of kisses behind. I felt my trousers and underwear being pulled off. He slid them down and off my legs before throwing them onto the floor.

"Aaahhhh." I sighed as Near took my hardness in his mouth. He slowly lowered his head down, trying to take it deeper into his mouth. He started going up and down, gradually increasing his pace until it was a constant rhythm, taking me almost whole every time he went down, swirling his tongue around the shaft.

 _You certainly are a fast leaner, Near._

I felt the pressure building up inside of me. I ran my hands through his hair as he started to suck harder, making lewd slurping sounds. The pace increased. I started moaning as I felt the climax building inside of me. Suddenly he released me from his mouth, and lifted my legs up from underneath my knees. I responded by bending my legs, my knees pointed upwards, my feet flat on the bed. He spread my legs apart and lowered his head again. He started sucking on the inside of my thighs, while running his hands up and down my legs. He then took my scrotum into his mouth, sucking on the flesh hungrily. He moved lower and spread my legs further apart as he licked and sucked at my taint.

"ummmff..." I whimpered, a aural reward for his actions, which only made him work harder. He pushed up on my legs, raising me higher. I felt his tongue playfully flit across my hole. I jumped from the sensation and let out another yelp. He attacked it hungrily, licking the area around my anus, and dragging his tongue across it slowly. The sensation was too much to bear. My cock twitched excitedly, pre-cum oozing from the tip. I wrapped my hand around my cock and started stroking myself. Near's tongue was moving faster and with more pressure. My balls tightened as the orgasm built up quickly inside of me, nearly without warning.

"Ughhh! Near! I'm com...coming!" I grunted as my semen shot out, the first shot landing on my neck, the rest coating my chest and stomach. I slowed my stroking to a stop. Near released me, and stood on his knees looking down at me, the front of his trousers were bulging outwards. He got off from the bed to take his trousers and underwear off. His penis was very hard and swollen, the head was purple, crying for release. He climbed back onto me and started to stroke himself while licking my juices from my chest and stomach. He again took my penis into his mouth, which was now flaccid and sucked at it, trying to get more of the salty nectar. It was too sensitive, and my body spasmed each time he sucked lovingly at the head. He stroked himself faster. I knew he was close, so I gritted my teeth as he made my body jolt. He sucked a little harder and starting humming as he brought himself to orgasm. His stroking was furious now. I felt his warm liquid land on my leg, rolling down the inside of my thigh onto the bedsheets. He released me from his mouth and laid down on me, his head resting on my stomach. He was panting, his chest heaving with each deep breath. His back was glossy with a layer of sweat. I played with his hair lovingly as he calmed himself down.

I marvelled at his selflessness. He was willing to please me, without asking for anything in return, knowing that I'm somewhat immobilized due to my injury. I could never imagine Mello doing such a thing, even if we were 'involved' in that way. Near picked himself off of me and laid on his side.

"Feeling better now?" He asked. His voice was lusty.

I nodded slowly, smiling.

"Good. Me too." He said, getting up from the bed. He picked my t-shirt from the floor to clean himself with. As he wiped the semen from his body, his back slightly turned to me, I stared at his beautiful naked form. His slender torso widened at the hips, upon which two tight, round globes resided.

 _He could take his time for all I care. I've got the best view in the house right now._

He turned to me and cleaned off the mess he made on my leg before throwing the soiled shirt in the basket.

"I'm going to take a much-needed shower right now. But I'll be back." He said, buttoning his shirt back up. Before leaving, he slid the bed covers out from underneath me, and gently placed them on top of me before turning out the light.

I wasn't sure how long I was asleep before he came back into the room. I felt him crawl under the covers next to me. We laid there embracing, huddled together against the darkness of night. His hot bare skin pressed against me as he nestled his head on my shoulder with my arm wrapped around him, my hand resting on his tummy. I slept like a baby that night, though I still felt a sharp pain in my side even from inhaling too deeply. I was more comfortable than I could ever be.


	7. Holding onto Forever Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Near

"Near...Wake up..."

I heard a voice softly calling me. As I slipped away from the dream state, I recognized the voice as Matt's. The sun shining through the window was bright, too overpowering for my eyes this soon after waking. Matt was sitting down on the side of the bed, looking downwards at me.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"10:30"

Upon hearing the time I forced myself awake, and sat up in bed.

"I hope this week-long vacation doesn't make me lazy. I never sleep this late." I said, wiping my eyes. "How are you feeling Matt?" I asked.

"Decent. I'm able to walk around and stuff. I just have to be careful."

I reminded myself that I would need to have a talk with Mello later about this. Quarreling is one thing, but Matt has a serious injury, there's no reason it should ever have come to that. Then again, the final exam results are also due to be released today, and I have a feeling Matt might have given Mello a run for his money.

"I'm starved." Matt said.

"Did we miss breakfast entirely?"

"We probably will if you don't get up, lazy. Cmon!" Matt said, shrugging me playfully. I got up out of the bed and dressed myself in the mirror. My hair was a little out of place, but not much more than usual. Matt and I left the room and went downstairs. We did miss the majority of the good food. Just about the only thing left were a few scones. Not our first choice but we ate anyway.

"Near, I'm going to go take a shower."

"Ok, I'll be in the common room" I replied.

After breakfast I went to the common room.. I was thinking of something to do to occupy the time when Mello entered the room and took a seat, unwrapping a chocolate bar. His lower lip was swollen, causing him to bite on the chocolate bar awkwardly. He pretended to ignore me, but I could feel his stare.

I got up and walked over to him, sitting down.

"What do you want." He asked, biting another piece of chocolate.

"I want to talk to you Mello. The fighting between you and Matt needs to stop. We need to resolve this. Did you know that you broke one of his ribs?" I said. Mello looked surprised for a second, almost shocked in fact, but he quickly extinguished his expression for one of self satisfaction. I was getting angry, but I kept my self control.

"You're not innocent in all of this you know. You're lucky the other boys were there to hold me back."

"Yes I realize that. However you gave me no choice but to act. I thought you were trying to kill him. I don't normally hit people."

"You seem awfully concerned with him. I take it you're becoming best mates. Or actually in your case, your only mate."

"We get along well, yes. I respect him, something you should have done from the get-go."

"Matt needs discipline, you just don't understand that yet about him. I've known him for longer than you. He'll come back to me eventually." Matt said, with a self confident smile on his face as he leaned back in the chair.

"You're not his keeper, Mello. I believe he will continue to be friends with me. You need to learn how to deal with it. You two fighting like this cannot go on."

Roger entered the room and announced that he had the final exam results. He handed them out to us, a brief look of concern crossed his face as he saw Mello and I sitting together. I looked at my exam. My score was 100. I didn't want to gloat, so I just rolled it up and put it under my sleeve.

"Perfect, I take it?" Mello asked.

"Something like that." I glanced over at Mello's exam while he wasn't watching.

Matt entered the room just as Roger was about to leave, having handed out all the exams already.

"Matt, good thing I caught you just in time. Here is your exam. Excellent work Matt, truly excellent." Roger said, handing him the paper. Matt looked down at the paper and his eyes widened. He scanned the room for me and found me sitting with Mello. He approached apprehensively.

"I'm sorry about our fight yesterday Mello." Matt said, although it was an empty apology I had to respect his attempt to be diplomatic. Mello didn't reply and snatched the exam from Matt's hands. He looked the paper over, his eyes narrowing. Suddenly he threw the paper on the floor, and got up from his seat abruptly, storming from the room.

"What the hell is his problem?" Matt asked.

"Matt, what was your score?"

"95"

I sat back in the chair and smiled, placing my fingers to my lips.

"So was his."

Matt's expression was of disbelief. If he was drinking something, he likely would have choked on it.

"Oh man, I'll bet that just fouled his day." Matt said snickering.

"I wouldn't gloat in front of him Matt, he's a bit volatile."

"Oh I wont. I don't need to anyway. He must be positively stewing right now. I owe it all to you, Near. You're an excellent study mate."

"You know I'll help you anytime Matt."

We left the common room and went back upstairs to Matt's room. Today would've been a lovely day for a swim but Matt definitely wasn't up to it. Matt insisted we play video games together. He loaded up Halo on his X-box, and we played against each other. Since I wasn't used to playing games, it took me a while to familiarize myself with the controls, but I caught on fairly quickly. I'd probably get bored quickly if I had to play this by myself, but playing against Matt was fun. We'd poke fun at each other from time to time.

"You're cheating, Matt. You're looking at my side of the screen." I said.

"No I'm not! You just suck at this!"

That only made me actually try to beat him at this, and while it was a challenge, I eventually got him.

"What was that you said?" I said slyly.

Matt tossed his remote and tackled me. We wrestled on the floor of his room, laughing like children. I didn't fight back too hard, remembering his injury was still fresh.

"Easy Matt! You're far from healed!" I said in between laughs. I don't remember the last time I laughed like this. It might have even been never. Matt had me pinned down, the weight of his body pressed against mine gently. Our antics slowed to a halt, as we looked in each other's eyes. He started to kiss me. His kisses were wonderful to me, like a drug that always made me feel fantastic inside. My heart rate increased as the loose strands of his hair brushed my face. His scent was clean and fresh. I inhaled as much of it as my lungs could hold.

Our tongues intertwined like a pair of vines, twirling and twisting against each other. I started to moan with delight as I pulled his shirt over his head, wanting every inch of his bare skin to touch mine. We broke our lip-lock as he pulled my shirt off and started feverishly working at my trousers. He pulled them down, exposing my now hard flesh to him. He feasted hungrily at my belly. He always started there because he knew it drove me insane. He took my scrotum into his mouth, expertly working the soft flesh. I was leaking, oozing pre-cum at this point. Matt took this as the signal that I was ripe for the picking. He took it in his hot steamy mouth, all the way down. I moaned with delight, arching my back as he sucked at my swollen penis. My moaning and heavy breathing became faster, more deliberate. Not wanting to spoil the moment too soon he stopped, letting my penis flop from his mouth as it bounded on my stomach, wet with his saliva.

He started to lift my legs up, with my help as I didn't want him to strain himself. I held my legs behind the knees, pulling back as far as comfort allowed, exposing more of myself to him.

"I want you to feel what you did to me last night." He said, his voice a raspy whisper. His voice sounded so hot while we had sex, I thought to myself.

He brought his head down. He sucked and licked at my taint, occasionally teasing the hole below with the random flit of his tongue. The sensation was warm and wet, and felt so good I gasped.

 _Keep going, Matt. Don't stop there._

He hesitated no longer as he licked straight across my anus. I whimpered involuntarily. He did it again, this time harder. My heart was really going now. I might have even been shivering. He did it again, even harder this time, the tip of his tongue inserted inside of me the slightest amount. I felt something else turn on inside of me. A different, new desire. It was like an itch that needed to be scratched.

"Matt. Come back up here," I said. He raised his head back up as I lowered my legs back down, and climbed back up to me.

"I want you inside of me." I said simply.

Matt nodded with understanding. He turned around to the nightstand and grabbed the bottle of massage oil. He stood up to remove his trousers and underwear, throwing them onto the bed. His penis was standing straight up, ready for the task.

He knelt back down, and opened the bottle of oil, pouring it carefully on his hard cock. He had a good amount on his fingers, which he used to spread around my waiting hole. He lifted my legs back up and put them on his shoulders, positioning himself.

"Are you sure you want to do this? It's going to hurt you realize."

"I know it will, Matt. I want you deep inside of me, please." I pleaded.

Matt placed the head of his hard cock against my anus and started to press gently. I exhaled slowly as I tried to relax my entire body. I nodded, signalling him to press further. The pain was sharp. I gritted my teeth as the tip started to enter. Matt paused. The pain subsided after a several seconds and I signalled him to continue. He pressed onwards, as the full width of him started to open me up. I could feel that only the head was in so far. My face must've showed the agony.

"Near, are you ok? Do you want me to stop?"

"No! Just... Just wait a second. Aaahh!"

The pain was intense, and as such I was tightening myself up, making it worse. I took heavy breaths, trying to relax myself. The pain faded slightly.

"Keep going, I want all of you inside of me. Don't stop!" I said through gritted teeth.

Apprehensively, Matt pushed further into me. The pain ramped up. I thought I might have made a mistake telling him to continue, when all of the sudden, like someone flipped a switch inside of me, the pain felt WONDERFUL. Matt was fully inside of me. I could feel it deep in my stomach.

"Are you ok?" He asked, his cock buried to the hilt inside of me.

"Yes. Yes I'm ok! I... aaaahhh.." I cried as he began to pull back out and then slowly started to plunge back into me. The pain slowly started to subside. All that was left was this wonderful feeling deep inside of me. My whole body tingled. I wanted more of it, and before long I started to want it harder, faster.

"Near, this feels incredible. Mmmm..."

Matt cooed, as he gradually increased his pace, using his hands to rub my chest and torso. I thought of where I was right now, and everything that's happened recently. I never thought I'd say this to anyone. I never thought the words would ever escape my lips. It just seemed like the right time to say it now.

"Matt..." I said, waiting until I had his focus. "Matt, I love you." I felt my eyes well up with tears slightly as the words escaped my lips.

"I love you too, Near. More than anything in the world." He replied.

He lowered the upper half of his body to down to mine, and our lips locked again. I slid my legs down around his hips and crossed them at the ankles. Our kisses, became hungrier. He buried his face in my neck, licking and sucking at the sweat soaked skin. I pulled him harder into me.

"Fuck me Matt! Fuck me hard!"

I could almost not believe the words that came out of my mouth. I generally didn't even swear, but this sounded so dirty coming from myself, it only served to turn me on even further. Matt picked up the pace, it was getting difficult to hold this position, and I saw Matt wince a couple of times as the pain in his side reared it's ugly head. We resumed the previous position, with my legs on his shoulders. I picked up the bottle of oil from next to us and poured some on my raging hardness, desperate for release. I slowly started stroking myself. I was shocked at how it felt. It felt different somehow, as it amplified the sensations of having Matt deep inside of me. I knew I wasn't going to last long. I could already feel the orgasm building up inside of me. Matt was getting close too however, as he rubbed his hands up and down my legs, trying to grab onto whatever part of me he could. He started kissing and sucking at my legs and ankles, gripping my calves tightly as he pounded away inside of me. Both of us were a grunting and groaning sweaty mass of flesh. I felt myself tightening up around him as my orgasm started to become more imminent.

"Near...I'm... coming...AHHHHHhhh!" He groaned, as he plunged himself deep inside.

I could almost feel his cock swell as he shot jets of his nectar into me. I cried out as I came hard, the first volley of my semen spraying all over me, landing in my hair, my face, and my chest, the second and third covered my stomach and pooled in my pubic hair. I felt light-headed as I laid there panting. Droplets of sweat were falling from Matt's forehead, landing on my belly and mixing with my semen. I shuddered as he pulled out from inside of me.

We kissed again as I placed my arms over his shoulders. His skin was clammy.

 _I love making you sweat._

Soon our love making slowed to a stop. I wiped myself clean as best as I could. I started to get up, but I found it difficult to get to my feet. My legs were weak, trembling.

"He he... You ok?" Matt asked. I took a deep breath and nodded, smiling, as he helped me to my feet.

"I think I'm going to go to the bathroom and clean up." I said as I started putting my clothes back on.

After returning from the bathroom I found Matt laying in his bed in his underwear.

"Take your clothes back off. I want to cuddle with you for a little while." He said. I disrobed again and climbed into bed with him. We held each other, laying in the silence of the room.

"I meant what I said before. I love you, Matt," I said, propping myself on my side with my elbow, looking down into his eyes, lovingly stroking the side of his face with my fingers. "I've never loved anyone before, and I never thought I would. You mean everything to me."

"I love you too Near. I love everything about you. I love your laughter, because I'm the only one who gets to hear it. It makes me feel special. I love your generosity and caring; how you're willing to sacrifice anything for me. I want to be with you forever. Whatever the future may hold for us, I want to follow you to the end of the Earth and be there for you."

I laid back down, my cheek rested on his smooth warm chest, all of the world's ills disappeared. Matt and I were the only two people in the world at that moment, in that one bed, as we lay together, with only the sound of each other's heartbeat breaking the silence.

The rest of the day we spent in his room, in our underwear, watching movies, listening to music, and just talking to each other, only leaving occasionally to eat or use the bathroom. We slept together again that night still wrapped in each other's arms, our legs intertwined.

The next day something surprising happened. Matt and I were eating breakfast together, when Mello had approached us. The anger was gone from his expression. What I read instead, looked like

humility. He sat down at the empty seat and folded his hands. Matt and I looked up at him, waiting for him to speak first.

"I'd like us to be mates again, Matt." He said.

Matt placed his fork down and sat back in his chair. I eyed the both of them briefly, but continued to eat as to not draw attention to myself.

"Were we ever really mates to begin with Mello? Seems you only liked having me around so long as I allowed you to keep me down, and when I finally did tell you to fuck off you damn near tried to kill me,"

Mello sat expressionless as Matt started eating again, but quickly stopped as he continued

"All the years of 'Matt I need help with this research project, why don't you fetch these books for me while I sit here eating bloody chocolate bars', and 'My computer's acting up again, can you format and reinstall the OS for me again' and all the bollocks you've told me about Near of whom you know fuck all about. Yet when I ask for help studying, you cant be bothered. No, because you wouldn't want the possibility of me meeting or exceeding you. You like me when I'm below your level, and everything that I love and everything that I stand for is beneath you. Something happened though didn't it? I reached your level. Now all of the sudden you want to buddy up to me again? So you can put me back down where I belong? I'm a threat aren't I?" Matt said, pointing his fork at Mello, using it to punctuate every syllable.

Mello shifted nervously in his seat. He had no reply, likely unable to formulate a response. I was proud of Matt for getting all of this off his chest. He wasn't finished however,

"If you want to be my mate, then you have to start over with me, because things will not be the same as they were. And another thing. Get used to Near, because he isn't going anywhere. I'm not saying you have to pretend to like him, but I don't want to hear you talking out of your arse about him or threaten him in any way, because I'll give you a twatting like you've never had before." Matt said. His face was a slight shade of angry pink. My jaw nearly hit the table.

Mello's look was serious. This obviously didn't go as he had planned. Blindsided by Matt's tirade, he slowly rose from the chair and walked away, locking eyes with me briefly, possibly wondering what I did to him to make him this strong, confident.

"Wow."

It was all that I could muster. I wondered how Mello would respond to this. While I felt it would be in Matt's better interest to have Mello on his side, I just didn't want him around at all.

"I hate being like that." Matt said.

"You said what needed to be said. Now it's up to him. I think you might have gained some of his respect at the very least. Nobody stands up to him that way."

"I suppose. Cmon lets get out of here." He said, taking our plates to the bin.

We decided to go out that day, taking a nice lengthy walk into the centre of town. Matt had some shopping to do, and I was happy to follow along. We had stopped inside a clothing shop. Matt had needed some new socks.

"Can I buy you a pair of shorts Near?" He asked, holding up a pair of grey shorts.

"Why do you want to buy me shorts?"

"Because it's summertime! It makes no sense to be wearing those heavy trousers in this weather. Besides, I like looking at your legs."

I couldn't help but laugh at the complement.

"Cmon, try them on." He said. I took them from him and went into the dressing room. I slid the shorts on. The sensation was a bit strange, a bit like walking around in your underwear, but it did feel comfortable. I looked in the full length mirror at my skinny hairless legs. Matt did have a point, I did look cute in them. I agreed to let him buy them for me, and he insisted I keep them on. The lady behind the counter had to reach down to my bum to scan the barcode, which had us both laughing together.

We got back a couple of hours later and retired to Matt's room to play some games. I was getting better at it, and had Matt actually trying to beat me.

The week had quickly passed, and class soon started again. There were one or two classes that Matt and I didn't share, and during those times I took to some of my old habits of assembling puzzles and playing with toys on the common room floor. It felt good to know that Matt hadn't changed who I was fundamentally; that I was still the same Near, just better while I was around him.

Matt and I spent a good deal of time studying together and it seemed to be working well as his performance was improving. Mello, however it seems was pushing himself harder, stuck in the precarious situation of trying to exceed me, while Matt was nipping at his heels. The two of them seemed to be slowly warming up to each other as well. Both of the injuries they inflicted on each other healed, and they played the occasional game of ball outside, on the same team even. Matt still spent most of his free time with me however in his room, where we frequently made love, afterwards laying on his floor staring at the ceiling, talking about anything and everything.

Another month had passed us by quickly. While Matt and Mello seemed to get a little closer, Matt had a concern.

"There's something going on Near. He has an agenda. I think he wants to shag me." He said one day while we were out for a swim in Matt's secret lake.

"What?" I replied.

"The other night he was in the bathroom while I was showering, standing there completely naked, watching me. He seemed somewhat aroused too."

"I don't think I want to hear about it."

I was jealous. There was no doubt about it, however the thought of Mello naked did pique my interest for a moment. This concerned me, because I'm certain it piqued Matt's too. He used to have a crush on him after all.

"No, don't worry Near. I wont let anything happen. I left as quickly as I could. Didn't even say a word to him. It was just...weird."

"I think I may have to accompany you to the bathroom from now on."

"Hah. You never know, he might want to shag you too. Maybe both of us at the same time." Matt joked. I had to say the thought sounded at least a little interesting, but could never happen under any circumstances. I replied by simply staring at Matt with a deadpan look on my face. I was partly teasing because I knew this would have him squirming.

"I was only taking the piss! Relax!"

I cracked a smile, letting him off the hook. I was still somewhat concerned, but I trusted Matt. In the following weeks however, Mello's advances became more serious. He had even gone as far as to ask Matt if he wanted to go to his room to "tug off together". Matt had told him he didn't have any interest in it, and suggested Mello go take a cold shower. I wondered if Mello even felt the slightest bit embarrassed because he seemed a bit distant after that.

While I was jealous, the primal part of me couldn't get the image out of my head. Mello is undeniably attractive, and I wondered how it would look, the two of them together. I was angry with myself for the thought, yet I couldn't control it.

Matt however seemed to latch even closer to me, as if he was scared of Mello, or scared that he might let Mello get the best of him. I had always assumed Mello doesn't know about Matt and I, but in the case that he did, maybe he saw this as another chance for him to beat me at something? Because I had something he didn't? I just didn't see that happening.

It was already the third month of the summer, and my birthday to be exact. I normally didn't celebrate my birthday, while mostly for the lack of having someone to celebrate it with, I didn't really place much value in it anyway. It was only another day, no different from the others. It was that afternoon that I was in my room, by myself, listening to some music that Matt had lent me, of which I was very familiar with at this point. Sometime I would sing over the music, particularly the songs I liked the most. I hadn't realized Matt was listening to me through the door. I heard a knock. Lowering the volume I called him in.

"Hello Matt."

"You were singing, weren't you?"

I looked down at the ground, feeling slightly self-conscious. I didn't intend to be heard.

"Yeah a little."

"I want to hear. Sing for me please." Matt said.

"Noo... I can't. It's just something I do..."

"Please?"

"You'll laugh at me."

"No I wont! I promise! Even if you're rubbish!"

I grabbed the remote to the audio player, ready to start playing the song again.

"Without the music please. I want to only hear you." Matt said,

I giggled. My face must have been beet-red. Clearing my throat, more than necessary perhaps, I began.

"Cat's and dogs are coming down...14th street is gonna drown...Everyone is rushing 'round...

I've got blonde on blonde...on my portable stereo... it's a lullaby from a giant golden radio..."

I tossed myself back in my bed, and held the pillow over my face. I was sure to die from humiliation.

"Near!" Matt shook my leg, "Near! Come out from under there!" He snatched the pillow away. "It was very good. Beautiful even."

"Oh go on!" I laughed.

"No, I'm serious. You have a beautiful voice. I'm... I'm glad I got to hear it. My favourite song too." Matt said. I think he might have been telling the truth too.

"It's my favourite too. If I'm correct, it's about everything in the world going wrong, but your favourite song on the radio can make you forget about it. It's a nice sentiment. It would be nice if things could be that easy." I said.

"Well anyway, I didn't come to humiliate you and make you sing for me. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday." Matt said.

"How did you know?"

"I asked Roger."

For some reason I was expecting something a bit more cloak and dagger, but I guess it would be that easy to find out. Matt produced a package from behind his back and handed it to me. It was wrapped in bright green paper, and had blue bow on top of it.

"Nobody's ever given me a birthday gift before. Thanks." I said.

I took the package from his hands and carefully began to unwrap it. Once the paper was off, I wasn't quite sure what I was looking at. Matt explained before I even had to ask.

"They're finger puppets, except they're blank. You can draw on them, put different hats on, different hairstyles. I saw it and said to myself 'Near can do something with this', even if I'm not exactly sure what that might be."

"I love it Matt. I'm sure they'll be very useful to me. Thanks." I said, placing a warm hug around him.

Later on we were in Matt's room making love. Matt had decided to give me another gift.

"Near. Fuck me." He whispered in my ear, to my surprise. While I was the one who usually had that privilege, Matt was a bit afraid of it. He was afraid it would hurt too much, that he wouldn't like it or that he might feel foolish if it didn't work out.

"I want to give this to you. You deserve it." He said.

I laid on my back, with him on top straddling me, so he could control the whole thing. He lowered himself onto me slowly. He gritted his teeth as it started to penetrate.

"Hold my hand Matt. Squeeze as hard as you need to."

He firmly gripped my hand and lowered himself further. He was tight, tighter than myself, and I'm not particularly well endowed either. I felt him squeezing the blood out of my erection. I was a bit uncomfortable, but not as much as he was. I used a lubed hand to slowly stroke his penis, which was dripping pre-cum onto my belly.

"mmmmm... that's amazing. It doesn't hurt anymore as long as you do that." He said.

He started to slowly ride up and down my shaft, and gradually he allowed it to go deeper. I stroked him harder. He lowered himself all the way down, burying me deep inside of him. It felt incredible. Matt was in ecstasy. I picked my hips up off the bed and started thrusting into him as he came down on me. He was calling my name, his voice sultry and dry. I couldn't hold it any longer.

"Matt. I'm coming... Aaahhh!" I cried, fucking him as hard as I could. I felt Matt tighten up as I shot huge loads of my juices inside of him. He groaned loudly as he spattered me with his semen. We laid together afterwards, trying to catch our breath.

"So how was it? Did you enjoy it? I asked.

"Yes!"

"Told you so."

The rest of the summer had gone as quickly as it came, the leaves had fallen, the air outside had turned crisp and dry. Our first snow had fallen, and Matt and I frolicked for hours in it. The cold air burned my nostrils. We had decided to go up to his room to dry off and warm up. We took off our clothes once in his room. He felt hot to the touch.

We never passed up the opportunity to have sex with each other. It never got tiring, and always excited me the same as it did the first time. We were in post-coital euphoria this fateful day, laying in his bed.

"I think we could do with a spot of tea." Matt said, getting up from the bed and putting his clothes back on.

"mmm... Sounds good. I'll come with you." I said, getting up and starting to put my trousers back on.

"I'll bring it up to us. Stay here."

Matt left the room as I laid back in the bed with my trousers on. I sang to myself lightly as I waited. After a seemingly short period of time the door opened.

"Did you get the tea that quickly? Or maybe you just couldn't keep your hands off of me and wanted to go for another round." I joked, staring at the ceiling and then looking towards the direction of the door. I did not expect what I saw. Mello stood there in the doorway, his eyes boring fiery holes in me. I started to get up, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Mello! What are you doing in here?" I asked. Mello rushed over to me, picked me up by the shoulders, and pushed me against the wall.

"You miserable shite! No wonder Matt had no interest in me! He was busy shagging you!"

"Mello... We're in love..."

"Shut up!" He screamed, placing his hand forcefully around my throat. I couldn't breathe, "You take everything from me! You always have to beat me at everything don't you! And now you had to take him from me too!"

I started to make gagging sounds as Mello's firm grip constricted my airway. I was truly frightened. Mello used his other hand to grab my balls and squeeze them hard. I slammed my eyes shut from the pain.

"Mello! Get off of him!" I heard Matt scream. He rushed over to us, pulling at Mello's arms. Mello only tightened his grip on me.

"Mello! Get off! You'll kill him!"

Mello released me, my body falling limply to the ground. The pain on my groin causing me to moan and writhe on the ground, while I tried to catch my breath. I heard a fist connect. Mello and Matt were on the ground wrestling, throwing punches. Matt had gotten back to his feet first.

"I should bloody kill you right now!" Matt yelled. He grabbed Mello by the front of his shirt and balled his fist, ready to take another swing at him. He was infuriated, more than I've ever seen. I let out a cough, as fresh air hit my lungs.

"Matt! Stop!" I yelled.

Matt released him and knelt down to my side.

"I'm ok...I'm ok..." I said, between pants.

"Why did you do this to him? You couldn't stand to see us together? Jealous cunt, this could have been you had you not been such an idiot. I did fancy you at one point, you know." Matt said to Mello, who was sitting on the floor, producing a wrapped chocolate bar from his pocket, taking the first bite nervously. His hands were shaking.

I started to be concerned how Mello might retaliate. I worried that he might tell everyone in the whole institute about us. Then what?

"Go on. Fuck off." Matt said to Mello, as he helped me up, laying me back into the bed. I was doubled over from the pain in my testicles. "I'll find you later. We'll resolve this, one way or another."

Mello got up from the floor, and looked at us one last time as he left the room, he looked as if he were going to cry.

"I'm so, so sorry I've gotten you into this." Matt said as rubbed my back. The pain was starting to subside.

"I think we should lay low for the rest of the day. I'm concerned Mello might tell people, and if they find us like this..." I said. Matt nodded in agreement.

"I don't want to leave you in a position where he might hurt you again."

"I don't think he will. I'll stay in view of other people. We need to give him some time to cool down before we talk to him." I said.

I went downstairs to the common room, alone. I was still shaken up from the incident, but nobody would notice anything wrong with me. I obviously never wore my heart on my sleeve. I started working on the blank puzzle, a pile of seemingly identical shapes before me.

"Why don't you come outside for once, Near?" Linda had called out to me.

"No thanks." I replied.

I could feel his stare from within the hallway. I didn't even have to turn around but I knew he was there, hating me, the anger smouldering deep within him. I didn't know how this was going to turn out. Mello wasn't the type to concede, especially not to me.

"Mello, Near, please come to my office." Roger said.

 _The bastard couldn't keep his mouth shut for 10 minutes, could he._

We were in Roger's office, I had brought the puzzle with me. I needed something to occupy my hands.

"What is it Roger?" Mello asked.

Roger took a seat at his desk, took off his glasses, and placed his hands at the bridge of his nose.

"L is dead."

Nothing could have prepared me for that statement. I was frozen. Our leader, our mentor... gone.

"What? Dead? Why! You mean he was killed by Kira? Is that it?" Mello said.

I couldn't believe what I had just heard. I wanted to scream. I threw my puzzle on the floor, taking a deep breath, trying to control myself. Mello reached over the desk and grabbed Roger by the collar. He was shouting.

"He promised he would see Kira dead! L was killed..? Are you sure?"

"If you cant beat the game, solve the puzzle, you're nothing but a loser." I said.

I didn't mean for it to sound so harsh, but it was the reality of the situation. Everything in life is a puzzle.

"So then which one of us did L..." Mello asked.

"Neither of you yet. He cant choose, now that he's dead... Mello, Near, how about you two work together?" Roger said.

As outlandish as the situation sounded, I was willing to put aside our childish quarrels considering what was at stake. We needed to save the world.

"Yeah, sounds good." I said.

"That's impossible Roger. You know Near and I don't get along. We're always competing," Mello was staring down at me. He took a deep breath, and wiped a single stray tear from his eye, "It's fine Roger. Near can be L's successor. Unlike me. Near will calmly and unemotionally solve the puzzle. I'm going now. I'm leaving the orphanage too. I'm almost 15 anyway Roger. I'll live my life my own way." Mello slammed the door shut behind him after storming out of the office.

"Mello!" Roger called out after him. He closed his eyes for a moment before continuing. "I doubt he's leaving, you know how melodramatic Mello can be. I'll talk to him later."

Roger didn't realize that this was the final straw for Mello. I knew he was leaving. There was nothing left here for him, and he'd rather die than have to work with me. I had Matt, and I had his ultimate goal. I was to be L. The gravity of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. What was to happen now? My life was going to be forever altered from this point on.

"L had a contingency plan in place should something like this ever happen. Before you can take over for him you'll need a good deal of training, and you'll need to do a tremendous amount of research to bring you up to date on L's work thus far. There's an inactive military outpost in Liverpool, you'll be brought there in 3 days to start your training. From there you'll be given a team of highly skilled investigators, hand selected by L himself. Unfortunately this will have to be kept top-secret for some years until it's time to bring down Kira."

I was swooning, this was all to much to bear at once. I nodded in understanding, and got up to leave his office.

"Near." Roger said. I turned around to face him in the doorway, "I have faith in you."

I went upstairs to Matt's room, opening the door slowly. He must've seen the look on my face, even I couldn't conceal what I was feeling. I thought I was going to be sick.

"Near? What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost! What did Mello do to you?"

I sat down on the bed.

"L is dead. Kira killed him."

Matt's clasped his hand over his mouth. The shock in his eyes was apparent. We sat for a moment in silence as Matt digested the news.

"One of... one of you are going to replace him. Who did he pick? You or Mello?"

"Mello's gone."

"What?"

"He left, Matt. He packed his things and he left. He talked about 'Doing things his own way'. I think he's just running away from everything."

"So that leaves you, doesn't it. You're L's successor."

I nodded. I explained everything that Roger had said to me. Every word that came out of my mouth had Matt looking more horrified.

"You're... you're leaving. I can't believe it." He said, tears streaming down his face. I stayed silent. Matt brought his hand up to his mouth, trying to stifle a sob.

"Come here." I said, wrapping my arms around him as he sobbed quietly into my chest.

"I love you. I don't know what I'll do without you, Near. What if the same thing happens to you? What if Kira kills you?"

"I'll make sure it doesn't happen. L made a mistake somewhere, and I'll be sure not to make the same one."

"Years... fucking years. I can't believe I wont be able to see you for years. What will become of us?" Matt said. His voice was cracking. I held him at arms length and looked into his eyes.

"Matt. I will never forget about you. We will be together again. I promise."

I felt a lump in my throat. I never cry. In fact I didn't even know what crying felt like. The sensation was foreign to me. I felt a single tear run down my cheek. I blinked it away but another one came.

"Now look what you've gone and done." I said, smiling bleakly.

We held each other for a while, rocking back and forth slowly. I was trying to savour every moment of his warmth, because I knew things were going to get cold for me very soon.

"Are you scared?" Matt asked.

"Yes, a little."

"I believe in you Near. I believe you will defeat Kira. If anyone can solve this puzzle, it's you."

 _Solve the puzzle._

The next few days were difficult. Everybody was saddened by the news of L's passing. While nobody was surprised, my becoming L's successor had created quite a buzz. Throughout it all, Matt sat in the background silently. He didn't want to talk to anyone. The night before I was to leave, Matt and I made love. It was the most tender, emotional lovemaking session we've ever experienced together. Matt had cried through much of it as well.

The next morning, a car showed up for me to take me away. Matt and I decided to say our goodbyes in his room.

"When will I hear from you?" Matt asked.

"I'm not sure. I don't know what the situation will be like. I don't believe I'll have any contact with the outside world, at least for a while. You'll hear from me eventually though. "

"Please be careful, Near."

"I will."

We embraced, holding each other tightly, neither of us wanting to let go.

"I have to go," I said. I stood up and walked towards the door "I love you Matt."

"I love you too Near."

I walked out of Matt's room and through the hallways of Wammy's house for the last time. I was leaving my home, the only home I ever knew. I was not 3 feet from the front door, when I started to feel my heart breaking.


	8. Holding onto Forever Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Near

The following 3 years were cold and lonely. The rigorous training had me exhausted most days. Much of my other time was spent compiling L's data and creating strategies. I had learned more about Kira than I knew was possible, yet I knew there was so much left unturned. I hardly felt human anymore. Not until night fell. That's when I felt every human emotion that I held deep inside coursing through me.

My quarters were sterile and cold. I longed for the warm comfort of Matt's room, where we would lie on the carpet for hours together. The only warmth here was provided by the sketch I drew of Matt so many years ago. I placed it on the table next to my bed, ritualistically staring at it every night before I went to sleep.

I thought about him every night. I often lied awake, wondering what he was doing. Wondering, if he was happy, if he was thinking of me. I knew that by this time he was no longer at Wammy's house, that he had moved on, that his life was different now.

 _Has he forgotten about me? Has he found someone else to make him happy? To keep him company on lonely nights? Someone else to share feelings and thoughts with?_

I had to contact him. I had to see him. I had to remind him that he was all I thought about, all I lived for, even though it was forbidden for me to leave. I had memorized his e-mail address as it was the only feasible way to contact him. Late at night I left my quarters, my bare feet quietly shuffling on the cold steel floor, and quietly went to the command centre. Booting a terminal, I sent an e-mail from a spoofed address, carefully covering my tracks.

"I want to see you. I can get out of here for one night only. I'll be at the petrol station on St. Cross Rd, Saturday 3:00 AM."

Turning off the terminal I went back to my quarters. I knew Matt would be unable to respond, but I could only rely on faith that he would show.

Friday nights, everyone left the compound early as many of them had families. The few residents here turned in at about 10pm. I knew I would have to leave fairly early to make sure I was there on time, so I would have to leave very soon after lights out. As I needed to disguise myself, I found a black hooded sweatshirt in the barracks. It didn't look like it had belonged to anyone for some time, and it was rather large on me, however the hood covered my hair and face well, so it would have to do. I watched the clock obsessively, waiting until 10 PM before I made my first move. Earlier I shunted one of the security zones so I could escape undetected. I pulled the hood over my head, and left my quarters, trying to not break the silence.

The cool spring night air filled my lungs as I stepped outside, carefully manoeuvring along the courtyard, and through a well concealed hole in the fencing around the perimeter. I traveled through the forest for a few minutes before finding myself on the road. I walked to the train station, keeping my head down the whole time.

"One round trip ticket to Winchester please." I told the woman behind the glass window, and then armed with my ticket, I waited on the platform, hoping nobody would recognize me.

The train ride was quiet, with very few passengers at this time of the night. There were a few drunken university students here and there, but that was about it. I tried to get some sleep to pass the time, but I was too anxious. A million 'what ifs' assaulted my brain at once. I couldn't sit still. I got up and paced the car a few times.

 _What if he didn't get the e-mail? What if he moved far away? Could I mentally handle it? Will he look any different?_

The train rolled to a stop in Winchester. I disembarked and stepped out into the street. I hired an idling taxi to take me to St. Cross Road. I arrived on the quiet street 20 minutes early. I paid the driver, and was left alone in front of a dark petrol station, with nothing but the cool breeze and my insanity to keep me company. I sat down on a bench and waited. As still as I was, my heart was racing. I could feel the veins in my neck pulsating. My hands were clammy, shaking. This was hopefully the moment where I could see Matt, the only person I've ever loved, again after so many lonely years.

I looked at my watch. It read 3:05.

 _Please show up Matt. Please._

I tried to focus on random things surrounding me, anything to occupy my mind. Every minute felt like an eternity.

3:12

I started to feel foolish as my logical mind had it's say. Here I was, 4 hours away from where I was supposed to be, waiting for someone whom I haven't seen for years, because I sent an anonymous e-mail, with no way to receive a reply. If that's not daft, then I don't know what is. I started to feel defeated, I closed my eyes. I wanted to curl up on that bench in the fetal position. Perhaps a bobby would find me and take me away. Maybe, institutionalize me for rambling about being here to meet someone who never shows.

3:20

I could see lights in the distance, moving. It was a car. It was coming this way. I jumped to my feet, closing my eyes, trying to focus on the sound. I could hear an engine roaring, shifting through gears.

 _Please..._

I could see the two lights approaching, but with no other light outside I couldn't see what they were coming from. The car was getting closer. It was a black roadster, I could tell now. It seemed as if it was moving so slowly, even though it wasn't. I curled my fingers, the nails digging into my palms. As the car rolled closer, I could see a boy with yellow goggles inside, smiling widely. I exhaled, relieved and overjoyed. Matt rolled to a stop in front of me, hurriedly getting out of the car to greet me.

"Near..." He said, as he wrapped his loving arms around me. His warm, strong body held me tightly as I held him around the waist. I buried my nose in the collar of his sweater, taking in his scent. I almost forgot how good he smelled. I smiled for the first time in 3 years. We broke our embrace and looked at each other. He looked basically the same as when I had left him. Maybe slightly older, but I couldn't really tell. I didn't even know what to say, where to begin.

"Did you miss me?" I said, grinning widely.

"I missed you more than anything."

We hugged again briefly.

"I don't have much time Matt. I wish I did, but I snuck out. I had to see you. I couldn't take it anymore. I have... I have so much to ask you... 3 years."

"Well I don't think we have to stand in front of a petrol station all night. I know some place we can go."

I looked behind Matt at the car. It was a black open top sports car. It was undeniably Matt.

"You like it?"

"Yes. What is it?"

"It's an MX-5. It's an H-reg, but I love it anyway."

"It's perfect." I said. I just then realized how long 3 years is, how much can happen in that much time. I missed Matt getting his drivers license, him buying his first car. I missed him graduating from Wammy's house. I missed it all. I should've been there for all of it. I truly resented being chosen at this point. It was a curse.

I sat in the passenger's side of Matt's car, fastening my seatbelt. We took off down the street and eventually turning onto some winding B-road. I leaned over the centre console, and rested my head on his arm while he drove, bathed in the green glow of the instrument panel. We pulled off the road, to a secluded area shrouded by the forest. Killing the lights, we exited the car, with only the moonlight overhead. Matt opened the boot and pulled out a large blanket, and laid it out in front of the car.

"Come here." Matt said, stretching his arms out to me.

I took his hand as he pulled me close to him. Our lips met. It was electrifying. I had waited for this moment for too long. It didn't even seem real. I had to convince myself that I wasn't dreaming. Matt grasped my arms as we kissed harder. I placed my hands on the small of his back. I whimpered as we explored each other's mouths with our tongues.

 _God, he still tastes the same._

I slipped his vest off of his shoulders as he pulled the sweatshirt over my head. The crisp air shrouded my body making Matt's hands feel hot on my back. I reached underneath his striped sweater and pulled it off of him. We held close, warmed by the searing heat of our flesh. We laid down together on the blanket without breaking contact. He started to nibble at my ear, kiss my neck gently, moving down to my collarbone, leaving a trail of sweet, wet kisses. I ran my hands through his hair, as he worked his way lower, kissing my chest. I whimpered again as he worked his magic on my body, making me painfully hard.

"I missed you," Matt said in a low sultry voice as he pleasured me. I felt the vibrations from his throat on my stomach. "I missed your creamy smooth skin, the sound you make when I do this to you. I've dreamed about this for years."

I felt my trousers being un-done. He slid them off of me. My briefs were tented and wet with pre-cum. Matt teased me as he ran his hands up and down my legs. I thought I was going to explode right there. I was trembling from his touch. Matt pulled my briefs off, my hardness exposed to him, waiting, begging. He grasped the base of my cock. Simply being touched made me shudder. He took it into his steamy mouth swallowing it whole. The heat of his mouth contrasted sharply with the cool outside air.

"Ummfff." I bit my lower lip and grasped the blanket. The sensation was almost too good. I felt myself coming close to the edge already. This was going to be over very quickly if I didn't tell him to stop. He sucked at me harder. "AAAHH! Matt! Stop! I don't want to cum yet!"

He released me from his mouth and stood up on his knees, but I feared it might already have been too late. It took a good deal of concentration to bring myself back down from the beginnings of a powerful orgasm. I sat up and unbuckled his trousers, releasing his swollen penis from it's constraints. I kissed and sucked lovingly at the head, teasing it. I cupped his balls in the palm of my hand and took his cock into my mouth whole. Matt groaned with delight, running his hands through my hair. I started to suck harder, faster, deeper. I placed my hands on his ass and pushed him into my mouth. Our rhythm was frenetic. Matt was fucking my face so hard I nearly choked on it a few times. I didn't want it to end like this however, not after 3 years.

I slowed my fellatio to a stop and motioned Matt to lay back down.

"I'm sorry but you'll have to take these daft things off." I said, pulling the yellow goggles off of his face, prompting some light laughter from him.

I straddled him and lubricated my hole with some of my saliva and then lowered myself onto him. It hurt quite a bit as his raging hard cock pushed through my barrier. He felt bigger than I had remembered, but it may have just been me tightening up after so many years. I groaned in pain as I sat down lower, pushing him deeper into me. I thought he was going to split me in two.

"Near, you're so... tight." Matt groaned.

I pushed deeper, the pleasure starting to overcome some of the pain. I felt him deep inside of my belly as I took him all the way to the hilt. I felt so warm inside, so loved as we became one. I rubbed his smooth, hard chest as he thrust into me harder than ever. He started stroking my cock, causing me to moan loudly and squeeze harder at his flesh.

"Near, I want you to shoot all over me. I'm getting close and I want to taste you."

Just hearing the words made me close to orgasm. I could tell Matt was almost ready. It was strongly building up inside of me, my moans and whimpers an audible signal.

"Near... Ahhhh!"

Matt started to fill me up with his nectar, as ropes of semen shot out from me, some landing in his waiting mouth, the rest on his chest and stomach. After taking a moment to catch my breath, I got up off of him. I knelt down and started to lick my own juices off of his body and then kissed him so he could taste me. Matt pulled the blanket on top of our naked bodies as he caressed me gently. It felt so wonderful to be held by someone again.

"It was just as good as I remembered," Matt said, stroking my hair with his fingers.

"So what have you been up to? Where are you living?" I asked.

"London."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I moved there about a year ago. I share a flat with a few people."

"Friends of yours?"

"Not really. Just a few people that were looking for a flat mate. I mean, I'm friendly with them, we just don't really hang out, maybe to watch a little telly but that's about it."

"Are you working?"

"Yeah, I'm doing some programming for a local company. Roger found the job for me when I graduated. It's not much money but it's not too bad either."

I wondered what his room looked like, what his job was like, what his _life_ was like. I couldn't believe how much it seemed things have changed.

"What about you? How's things for you?"

"Fine I guess. I mean, I'm living in a military installation, so it's not the greatest time in the world, but my needs are taken care of. With the exception of a few, of course." I finished my sentence with a smile.

"How's the investigation? Is it hard being... L?"

"It's trying. Some days I'm not sure I'm up to it, and other days I feel like I could take on anything. L really was brilliant, and while I am too, it's hard to fill his shoes."

"I think you can."

"It's just.. It's just lonely there, which sounds strange coming from me, but it is," I turned my head towards him, "I miss you Matt. I miss you every night. When I'm in that place I feel closed up, cold."

Matt kissed me on the forehead.

"I just try to keep myself busy. It helps sometimes when I'm missing you. I cant think for too long without getting depressed." Matt said. We laid in silence for a moment.

"So. Have you heard from Mello?" I asked.

"No. Not a thing. I wonder what happened to him?"

"Who knows. I have a feeling he'll surface one day though."

We talked for another half hour or so, but it was getting late. I couldn't stay much longer, not without risk of getting caught.

"I have to get back." I said.

Reluctantly we got up from the blanket and started to put our clothes back on. My rear end felt sore as I stood up, a souvenir that I could take back with me to Liverpool.

"I'll drive you to the train station." Matt said.

Matt drove slowly in the direction we had come from, trying to savour every last moment we had together. I resumed the position of resting my head on his arm. He reached over and stroked my hair affectionately.

"I like this song." I said, commenting on the song playing on the radio. It fit the scene perfectly, summing up everything I was feeling at the moment. My heart ached as I realized this was all going to be over soon, like it hardly happened at all.

We pulled up in front of the station.

"When can we be together again Near? I mean like for good this time."

"I don't... I don't know. More than likely I'll be moving to America in the near future to work with the government there. That's when the investigation truly gets off the ground."

"I see." Matt said. He looked down, a bit saddened.

"I'll call for you when the time is right. Once things get settled I'll hire you if I have to. I promise we'll be together again, as soon I can make it happen."

"I'll wait for you."

We kissed one last time. I popped open the door to exit the car.

"Hey wait a second." Matt said. He ejected the CD from the radio and handed it to me.

"I want you to have this. I want you to think of me... of this night when you listen to it."

"I will."

"Goodbye Near. I love you." He was visibly holding back tears.

"I love you too Matt."

I left Matt there, and boarded the train back home feeling both renewed and more depressed than before. I took solace in the fact that he didn't forget me. It's all I needed to keep going.


	9. Holding onto Forever Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Matt

The whole room was jumping. Hot, sweaty bodies were grinding, connections being made. I was finishing up my set at a local gay pub I DJ'ed at sometimes when I needed something to do, spinning a amped up remix of Thom Yorke's The Eraser.

"Hey sexy, can I offer you a drink? You look like you can use some 'company'." A attractive young bloke said to me as I walked from the DJ booth. I smiled sheepishly at the complement.

"Thanks, but I'm spoken for. I'm waiting for my boyfriend to come home from the Royal Navy."

I very well couldn't tell people the truth, so I had to make something reasonable up. It's been another 2 years since I've seen Near, far longer than I ever expected.

"Is he as cute as you?"

"Better actually." I said.

 _Sometimes I even have trouble remembering what he looks like. I only remember the feelings. Those I'll never forget._

"Well I hope you get to see him soon. But if you get tired of waiting, you should come and find me."

I nodded as he walked away. I was used to approaches like this, being young and attractive. I liked the attention however, even if I wasn't going to act on it. I sat down at the bar and lit up a cigarette, a vice I've recently taken to out of sheer boredom.

"Bartender! I'll have a whiskey for myself and a lager for the DJ here." Someone called out behind me. I was used to people buying me drinks on occasion, hoping to get lucky, but the voice was familiar. I turned around and saw the scarred visage of a boy I once knew.

"Mello." I said, a little overwhelmed by the state of him. The left side of his face was badly scarred, likely from a burn of some sort. The scarring covered part of his neck and left shoulder too. It didn't detract from his beauty however. Oddly enough it seemed to enhance it somewhat, adding intrigue. He was wearing a leather vest, and a pair of tight leather trousers that rode low on his hips leaving his flat, hard belly exposed, and a pair of pointy toed boots that made him seem tall, powerful. His whole appearance exuded sexuality, and in a place like this, he was getting a lot of attention. He definitely wasn't the same boy I remembered him as.

"Glad to see you remember who I am. Hello Matt." Mello said.

"What are you doing here? Where have you been? What happened to your face?"

"Long story. I'll have to tell it to you some day," He took a sip from his drink, a satirical smile stretching his face as he asked his next question, a question I was a bit apprehensive about answering, "So, how's Near?"

"N...Not sure. I haven't seen him in a while. 2 years if I'm not mistaken."

Mello nodded.

"He's been doing well."

"You've seen him?" I sat up excitedly.

"We've had our... dealings."

"Sounds like you're on opposite sides."

"We're on opposite sides of the same side, if you will" Mello said, unwrapping a chocolate bar.

"I see old habits die hard," I took notice of a silver cross hanging from his neck. "You found God or something?" I said, pointing at it.

"Oh I've found it alright, and then I lost it."

"Huh? Just what have you been involved in Mello? Why are you here anyway?"

"I need your help. Help defeating Kira."

I laughed, taking a sip of the lager.

"You want me to help you? Help you beat Near? You're daft." I said, sitting back in my chair.

"Actually you'd be helping Near. You'd be saving him."

"What?"

"Near is in a great deal of danger. He has been for a while. Did you know that nearly his entire investigation team was killed by Kira, with him in the room no less? Did you know that he has regular contact with whom he believes to be Kira? It's just a matter of time. All Kira needs is to know his name or see his face and it's over."

I put my fingers on my lips as a chill went up my spine.

 _It all makes sense now. It's why he didn't call me._

"Mello, you had better be telling the truth..."

"It's the truth. Now will you help me?"

After a long consideration, I answered.

"Yes."

My feelings were torn. While I felt as if I was betraying Near by helping Mello, if it meant saving his life I was willing to take the risk. Even if he would never forgive me.

"I've got a flat in Los Angeles, when can you leave?"

"What will you need me to do?"

"Surveillance mostly. It's safe."

"I'll go home and pack my things. We can leave tomorrow." I got up from the bar seat and we walked out together. Quite a few people took notice of us, including the guy who talked to me earlier. Shock, I believe would be the word to describe the look on his face. I chuckled to myself as I read his lips.

"That's his boyfriend?"

The next day we were on a plane to Los Angeles. Mello's flat was small, a bit run-down and in the middle of a seedy industrial neighborhood. Not entirely what I was expecting. I sat down on his sofa, weary from travel.

"So, some background info please. Now that we're working together I need you to tell me everything, what you've been up to." I said.

Mello took out a bottle of scotch from the cupboard, and two glasses. He poured for both of us before sitting down next to me.

"Have a drink. You're going to need it after what I'm about to tell you." I took a sip, the potency of the drink caused me to shiver.

He told me everything. The existence of a 'death note', shinigami, his involvement with the mafia, how he got his scars, and everything else.

"Is this a wind up?" I asked. My speech as a little slurred as I believe I had drank my 3rd glass by now.

"No. I'm afraid it's not."

"How the fuck... Shinigami?" The very idea just seemed inconceivable to me. I had never been a religious person or someone who believed in superstition.

"I saw it myself, Matt. With my own two eyes. What's up is down and what's down is up right now in the world."

"Fucking hell." I said.

I took another sip. I felt a hand on the back of my head, but I wasn't sure at first since I felt somewhat disconnected. I was a bit pissed, to say the least.

"So this... this 'death note'. You just write someone's name in it and they cork off?"

"Yep. That's how it works."

I felt the hand slip inside my shirt, fingers caressing my back. Mello moved closer to me, placing his other hand on my shoulder. I wanted to tell him to stop. I knew what he was after, but I just couldn't. The room was spinning a bit. Mello's voice sounded like an echo, distant. I tried to focus on random objects in the room, but everything was blurry. Before I had realized it, Mello had removed my shirt, and was placing gentle kisses on my back. I exhaled as his warm lips touched me, and the leather of his clothing creaked erotically.

"It's been a long time hasn't it." Mello whispered into my ear. He started to rub my sides gently with his fingertips. It felt incredible, warm. I nodded in response. He was kissing my shoulders now, moving to my neck, and then turning my head deliberately, attacked my mouth. At first I wasn't very receptive. I wanted to push him away, but the feeling was too incredible. The way Mello kissed was different from Near. Near was gentle, smooth. Mello was forceful, heated. He sucked on my tongue hard. It hurt a little but it was a good pain. Before long I was as into it as he was. There was grunting as our clothes flew onto the floor.

Mello pushed me onto my back, naked and vulnerable. And as pissed as I was, I was hard as rock, my erection lewdly pointing upwards at him. Mello wrapped his hand around it and squeezed gently.

"Unff.."

He started stroking my erection slowly. I moaned deeply, putting a smile on his face. He knelt down and started kissing my chest while stroking me. I grabbed two handfuls of his blond hair as he worked his way lower, sucking so hard on my flesh I was convinced he was leaving bruises. Before I knew it he had taken my cock into his mouth and was sucking hard on it, his mouth making lewd slurping sounds. If it weren't for the alcohol in my system it might have actually hurt, but his aggressive methods are probably the reason I felt anything at all. His head was moving up and down frantically on me. Even in my inebriated state it didn't take long before I felt my orgasm brewing inside of me. I moaned a bit louder. Mello responded by increasing his pace. I was at full tilt now, squirming around as I passed the point of no return.

"Ahhhh! I'm coming! Sssssssssss...aaahhhh." I groaned as I shot my load deep into Mello's throat. He sucked every drop out of me, long after I was finished. My body jumped at the sensitivity.

"Stop...Stop it!" I cried. Mello released me and smiled sadistically. He stood up, showing off his rather magnificent body. His hard cock was pointed straight at me. It was pretty big as well at approximately 8 inches long.

"Now it's my turn."

Mello flipped me over onto my stomach. I saw him take out a small bottle of lube from a nearby drawer. I knew what he was going to do and I was a bit frightened. It hurt when Near had done it to me, so this could only be worse.

Mello straddled me again, pouring the lubricant down the crack of my rear and using his finger to work it in. He slowly inserted his finger into my tight anus. I groaned, unable to formulate any words.

"You're a bit tight, Matt. This is probably going to hurt."

"I don't know if I can handle this.." I said. I'm not sure if he was able to understand me as I slurred my words. He positioned himself on top of me, pushing against my tight hole with his cock. I grabbed a handful of the fabric on the arm of the sofa as he started to push his way in. I cried out as Mello stretched me. He started pushing harder. It seemed to never end. I was nearly screaming now. He stopped his advances and bent over on top of me. The cross around his neck was digging into me.

"Did he ever fill you up like this?" Mello whispered in my ear. I had no response, so he pushed his way further into me. "Did he?"

"Ahhh... No!" I said. He pushed his cock further into me, using his body weight to hold me down. I cried out but he didn't stop. He didn't stop until he buried all 8 inches deep inside of me. My insides felt like they were going to burst. My muscles had just started to relax, accommodate his presence inside of me when he pulled back out and plunged back into me hard. I cried out, tears were falling from my cheeks, soaking into the fabric of the sofa.

I started to think of Near as he fucked me, how Near was always so gentle with me. Mello seemed to enjoy himself more the louder I screamed. He enjoyed hurting me. He always did. Mello must have noticed my mind wandering.

"Say my name."

I said nothing, causing him to pound into me harder.

"Mello!" I said somewhat feebly.

"Louder! I want to hear you scream it." He bit down hard on my shoulder.

"AAHH! MELLO!" I cried out.

He started grunting. His breath was hot on my cheek. He must've been close. The pain inside of me was starting to subside, but I still felt like a pulverized piece of meat. I decided to try and play along, hoping that he would finish quicker. I reached behind me, grabbed a fistful of his hair and pulled hard, making him yelp. I wanted to try and hurt him, however it only seemed to provoke him further.

"So you want to play along?" He said. He pulled himself out of me, and then grabbed me by the shoulders lifting me up with more strength then I thought he had. He sat down on the sofa and placed me on top of him facing each other. I felt his cock push back into me painfully as I had started to tighten up a little. I winced in pain as he pushed it all the way in, deeper than he was able to in our last position. His eyes were locked on mine. He leaned in for a kiss, but bit my lower lip instead.

"Oww!"

I slapped him as hard as I could in the face without even thinking about it. He looked angry at first, but a smile grew on his face, revealing some blood in the corner of his mouth. He kissed me hard. I tasted the salty tang of his blood on my tongue. It frightened me, but I actually started to enjoy this. I was aroused again.

"C'mon. Fuck me." I said angrily. Mello started working from his hips, pounding into me. I started stroking myself off furiously, desperate for release once again. He started clawing at my back, digging his nails into my flesh.

"Matt. I'm coming... C'mon shoot your load. Shoot it all over me."

Mello cried out as he filled me up with his semen. Like someone pulled a trigger inside of me, I erupted, shooting my load all over his chest. I grabbed him by the back of the head and pulled his hair as I came.

It was all over. We laid there in that position for a few minutes, sweaty and sticky. I suddenly didn't feel very well. I was dizzy, nauseous, and I was haunted by Near's image. I betrayed him.

 _I'm sorry Near. I'm so sorry._

I left Mello on the sofa as I ran to the bathroom, a wave of nausea overcoming me. Hugging the toilet, I emptied my stomach. Mello never even got up from the couch to comfort me. I slept on the cold dirty bathroom floor, naked and stained with vomit and semen. Near would have never left me in this state.

 _Please forgive me Near._


	10. Holding onto Forever Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Near

"Near are you sure that's the color we picked?"

"I'm not sure. It does seem a bit darker, a bit greener. Stop cutting vegetables for a moment and take a look at this wall." I said, taking a step down to get a better view.

"One sec. Let me just throw these in the pot. Do you think I should put any shallots in?" Matt lifted the cutting board and swept the vegetables he had just cut into the boiling pot.

"We didn't buy any shallots, silly. Come here and look!" I said. The ladder was staring to get a bit shaky. I dripped paint on the tarpaulin, nearly dropping the paintbrush. Matt had entered the room, and was looking at the half-painted wall, cocking his head slightly as he scrutinized the color of it.

"I think I rather like it. Perhaps a bit more light in this direction will set it off."

I started to paint again, stretching to reach the ceiling with my paintbrush. My fingers slipped and it fell down on me, staining my face, shirt and hair with green paint.

"Blast!" I shouted as the paint nearly dripped into my eye. Matt chuckled as I turned around to face him.

"The color looks rather good on you too!"

I got down from the ladder and picked the paintbrush up from the floor, dipping it in the can.

"Then it would be impolite of me not to share!" With one deft movement I ran the brush across Matt's neck and cheek.

"Cheeky fucker!" He said, his eyes wide with surprise. He tackled me to the ground, trying to paint every part of me he could. I was cackling loudly as if I were being tickled. There was green paint all over us. It was all over our hands, faces, in our hair, on our clothes. I had a long drip of it going down my neck and into my shirt.

He paused for a moment as our eyes locked. Matt kissed me passionately. I wanted to him to make love to me on the spot, right here on the floor, mess and all. He unbuttoned my shirt and started to kiss lovingly at my chest, leaving a trail of green lip-prints. I whimpered, running my hands through his hair. Suddenly, I heard a sizzling noise in the background. It took me a moment to realize what it was.

"Oh shit Matt! The veggies are boiling over!" I shouted, as steam bellowed into the air from the kitchen.

"Fuck!" Matt got up quickly and ran out of sight.

I laid there on the floor with my shirt open, giggling to myself, thinking about how my knob might look with green lip prints all over it. I was euphoric.

I closed my eyes to savor the moment. I felt everything start to spin, slip beneath me. I tried to grab hold of something, anything, but I was slipping away.

My eyes opened to the harshness of fluorescent light. I had fallen asleep at the console again.

"Shit." I said quietly, angry that once again, it was just a dream. I dreamed of him often, nearly every night in fact. It was always a variation on a theme; Matt and I getting our first flat together, shopping for food together, growing old together, they were countless. I think the dreams were the only thing holding me together at that point. They were the only warmth I had, the only way to experience his touch, to look in his eyes, or see him smile.

"You were stirring in your sleep." Rester said.

"Huh? Oh, it was just a dream. I don't really remember what it was about." I said, wiping my eyes.

"Perhaps you should go to bed. You haven't been sleeping much at all."

"No I'm alright. I just need to get up for a moment."

I got up from the chair and sat on the floor picking up one of the finger puppets Matt had given me for my birthday. I wondered how he'd react if he saw how I ended up using them and that he, by proxy, was a part of this battle. I thought back to the day that he had given them to me. I remembered the way he smiled at me after forcing me to sing for him, and the excited look on his face when he gave me the gift.

At that moment, I decided that I needed to finish this. I needed Matt's safety ensured, so I could simply stop dreaming and start living. I wondered if he still thought of me, or if he understood why he wasn't here at my side right now.

"Commander Rester, please see if you can reach Light Yagami. I think it's about time we finish this."

It was the 26th of January, 2010. My plan was coming together, in a few short days I would face off with Kira, hopefully defeating him once and for all. Either that or die. I had hardly slept at all, going over my plan over and over again, making sure I wasn't leaving any open holes or loose ends. That's when things started to go awry.

"Near! Mello's kidnapped Takada!" Lidner's voice crackled over the console's speaker.

I turned on the television. There was an aerial view of the scene, a car with an unidentified man laying on the ground, shot to death by Kira's followers I knew it wasn't Mello. Mello would only handle Takada himself.

"Since when does Mello have an accomplice? Commander Rester did you know anything about this?"

"No this is news to me." He replied.

My phone buzzed in my pocket as a text alert came through. It was from Mello, and it sent a chill up my spine, because I knew it probably would be the last thing he'd ever say.

"I'm sorry Near."

 _Sorry for what? For failing? For dying?_

"Damn you..." I said, folding the phone and putting it back into my pocket.

"Commander Rester, I need Gevanni right now. We've got work to do."

Everything had come through as planned. I defeated Kira, saving the world from his tyrannical rule. I burned the Death Notes in celebration of 5 long years, glad that I could finally have my life back.

The entire investigation team celebrated our victory. However I was still haunted by something. Something that simply didn't ring right. It was Mello's text message. I no longer believed he was apologizing for interfering, or for failing. He'd never apologize to me for that. Never in a million years. There was more meaning behind his message.

My blood turned cold as a horrific thought crossed my mind. I grabbed my phone from my pocket.

"Lidner...Did you happen to get a look at Mello's accomplice? The one that was shot to death?"

"No, I'm sorry. I never saw him."

"Ok, thanks anyway."

I had to find out before I left Japan. I had to see for myself. This could be the end of my world.

I contacted the city morgue and arranged to meet with the undertaker. Arriving the next day, I introduced myself.

"Ah yes Near-San, we spoke earlier. Please come inside." He said.

As I crossed the threshold of the building my chest became painfully tight. I could feel my heart pounding. Everything seemed as if it was moving slower. The man lead me over to a desk with files neatly stacked on it. I had to clear my throat to speak.

"I'm looking for the body that was found when the NHN Anchor, Takada was kidnapped. It's... It's instrumental to my investigation.

"Yes, I believe that one had the..."

"I don't wish to know the name," I said firmly. "Please."

The man looked at me for a moment, sightly puzzled.

"Very well. Let me show you to the room."

He led me down a long corridor. My feet felt heavy, each step deliberate. Part of me wanted to turn around and run away, far from this place. I took a deep breath and trudged onwards. We reached a door. The undertaker opened the door wide and motioned for me to come inside.

"I'd prefer to be alone if that's alright with you." I said.

"Do you know the deceased?"

My palms were sweating. I looked down at the ground, my left hand instinctively started twirling my hair around my index finger.

"I may."

"Understood," He nodded slightly, "It's C13. That's the one you're looking for."

The undertaker turned around and started walking back. I entered the room and shut the door behind me. The room had an eerily dim bluish light. Before me was a wall of stainless steel drawers, each had a small number identifying them. I walked over to them slowly. My eyes were transfixed on drawer C13. I couldn't breathe. I felt as if I weren't in my own body, as if I was watching this happen through someone else's eyes. My hand wrapped around the cold handle, the sensation of grasping something solid brought me slightly back to reality. I was trembling, my hands unable to turn the handle.

I closed my eyes, and twisted. The metallic latch made a loud 'thunk'. Looking away, I pulled the drawer open, walking with the drawer until it had fully extended. With my back turned to it I walked back to the wall. I stood there for a moment hesitating, listening to the din of the refrigeration units that filled the room. I inhaled deeply and turned my head to look, without turning my body much, practically looking over my shoulder.

I clasped my hand over my mouth. Matt laid there before me on the cold steel drawer. His face was pale, his lips blue. His naked body was grotesquely riddled with bullet wounds. A slight smudge of dried blood signatured each one. I couldn't believe what I was looking at, trying to convince myself it was another dream. That I would wake up from this nightmare.

 _This can't be real. This cant be happening right now. Matt! Please no Matt!_

I touched his face and recoiled in horror at it's cold, leathery sensation. The same person that radiated more warmth than the sun to me, was cold and lifeless. I felt myself losing strength as my hands trembled. I backed up to the wall of drawers, and slid down to the ground as my legs gave way beneath me. I thought I was going to be sick as a flood of tears ran down my face. I lost control to the heart wracking sobs, crying harder than I ever have in my life. Every memory I had of him came like a deluge, spinning through my mind all at once.

I laid there on the ground shivering as my world collapsed in on itself. I balled up my fist and punched the ground, crying like an infant. I hoped he didn't suffer as his life slipped away from him. I imagined the pain he endured as each bullet sliced it's way into him, puncturing his internal organs, tearing muscle and bone. He was gone, and I knew that nothing would ever be the same. I would never be the same.

I climbed up off the floor to look at his lifeless face one last time.

"I'm so sorry Matt. I'm so sorry I let his happen to you," My voice started to crack as I choked back a sob, "It's all my fault."

I stared at him for another short moment and closed the drawer slowly, a resounding thud of finality echoed through the room as I turned the latch.

I paced the room trying to regain my composure. I felt my soul close up inside of me, a hard shell surrounding it. It was dead inside. I truly felt dead. I left the room and met the undertaker at the front desk.

"I'd like to arrange for the body to be sent to England. I'll call you later with the address of where I'd like him to be sent."

"As you wish Near-San," He must have noticed the redness of my eyes and nose, "and I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you for your cooperation."

I found a suitable plot for Matt at a cemetery in Winchester, and relayed the information to the undertaker a few hours later. I left Japan the next day. I realized that I had nowhere to go, nobody to turn to. The SPK had disbanded, each of the members returning home. My plan was to meet up with Matt after this was all over, but Matt was gone now, and I had nobody.

I rented a hotel room near the cemetery for an undetermined amount of time. This is the point at which I slowly started to lose my sanity. I did nothing, but stay in that room for days with the curtains drawn and the lights off. I slept erratically, and when I did sleep, I didn't even have the false comfort of the dreams anymore. It's as if when he died, he died inside of me too. I visited his grave nearly every day, sometimes crying myself to sleep in front of his tombstone.

I stopped bathing and eating. I ritualistically poisoned myself nightly with liquor from the mini-bar, trying to numb the pain. My rigidly logical mind was coming apart at the seams. Sometimes I would talk to him, as if he was watching over me like a shinigami that I couldn't see. Sometimes I would even hear his voice. I had written a note, and left it at his grave one day, even though at another time in my life I would've thought it to be the action of a crazy person.

"I've written this note for you, and while I'm not sure if you'll ever be able to read it, somehow I feel it's something I must do. You've affected me deeply Matt, and throughout our time apart I never stopped aching for you. Even though we've been apart for 5 years, I don't know how to live without you. I blame Kira for creating this situation in the first place. I blame Mello for using you. But most of all, I blame myself for abandoning you, even though it seemed like it was in your best interest at the time. I realize now that I would rather you have died by my side, than in the undignified way that you did. I can't live without you. I never believed in the afterlife, but then again, I never believed in Shinigami either. I'm not sure if you're out there watching over me, that we can be together again, but it's a chance I'm willing to take. I love you more than life itself."

I laid there in the bathtub, contemplating my words over and over again. I wished I hadn't burned the death note, because it would make what I was about to do that much easier.

I pressed the razor blade against my wrist but at first was unable to find the strength to push through. I bit my lower lip and closed my eyes as I felt the blade slice open my skin. I could feel the heat of my blood pouring out. I pulled back on the blade slowly. Pulling it back towards me. Cutting deeply into my flesh. The burning pain was causing my hand to shake, making the cut jagged. I opened my eyes to see what I had done. Blood was pouring out of the laceration into the tepid water. I started to cry, realizing what I had done to myself. I decided that I must continue, rather than prolong the inevitable. I wailed as I pushed the blade in again, deeper than before, my wrist going limp with a grotesque snap as I severed one of my tendons. I pulled all the way until I reached the inside of my elbow, before losing strength and dropping the blade into the water.

The blood was coming out out of me so quickly I could hear it pouring into the bath. I started shiver as I felt a coldness set in. Everything started to get darker, fuzzy. I couldn't see anymore. I couldn't feel anymore. The silence of the room turned to into a cacophonous white noise as I felt myself slipping away. I was dying. It knew it wouldn't be much longer. Matt would be waiting for me on the other side, ready to accept me into his arms, to make me whole again. I could hear his voice faintly calling to me. It started to get louder.

"Near... It's ok now. I'm here for you."


End file.
